Take Care of You.............

Happy Friday Gang!

I've been out and about traveling and surprisingly got some much overdue rest and relaxation.  I came back with a new perspective and today's 'Thought Path'.....

~ Take Care of You ~

I'm the kind of person who has looked after so many people in my life and have neglected myself.  I've always put my needs on the back burner because, after all, it's just me and I can take care of myself 'later'.  

This past week I got an amazing amount of rest and also got out of my shell a bit.  Sunday I went to the Columbus Zoo all by myself.  Yep!  No one to go with me to keep me company, no one to talk to, but also no one to rush me or want to go see things I may not have been interested in.  It was just time for ME.  

For some, you may think I was being selfish, and you'd be absolutely correct.  It's long overdue for me to actually think more of myself than a fat, unattractive, stupid blob who has absolutely nothing to offer.  Yep, you read that correctly.  That's been my view of myself over the years.  Way too fat, so that means I'm stupid, lazy and have nothing to offer anyone.  These are old tapes that have played over and over and over in my mind for far too long.  

Do you know that when you keep telling yourself something over and over, whether it's good or bad, you actually begin to believe it?  That's been my life.  

If you read my last blog post, you know that I've carried some hurtful comments in my mind and heart for a long time and ended up letting them define who I am as a human being.  I'm beginning to change those bad tapes in my mind.

Tuesday night I went out to dinner with a bunch of work colleagues at an Italian restaurant and after a couple of glasses of wine, I opened up that the old me would have hibernated in my room instead of coming out to dinner.  I also opened up about my anxiety in larger groups and the feeling of never being good enough to associate with people in my working life and sometimes in my personal life.  

They were flabbergasted that I felt that way.  They had absolutely no idea.  

That's the thing with emotions/feelings/thoughts, they don't always translate on the outside, but can weigh heavy on the inside.  

The past 5 days in Columbus has been such a wonderful experience for me in so many ways.  I was able to rest, recharge, start eating better, getting some exercise, listen to some great speakers and hanging out with some really amazing people.  It was a great combination to rejuvenate my mind and heart to do something better for myself instead of always putting myself last.  I've always put myself last and it's WAY overdue to change that.

I felt so amazing last night that I actually did my dishes, did a huge amount of laundry and some tidying around the house.  Normally I'm in such a cloud of depression I just come home and sit on the couch and close out the world and do nothing.  

The path of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step.  The past 5 days began my journey to 'taking care of me'.   I've never felt this amazing in a very long time.  I actually feel alive again and it's not because of anyone else in my life to make me happy.  I used to think the only way I could be happy was with a significant other.  I'd still enjoy to share my life with someone, but my happiness is not dependent upon someone else and I finally realize that.  

Living life is like the survival response on a crashing plane........put the oxygen mask on YOURSELF FIRST, THEN help others.  I just put my mask on and am taking some good, cleansing breaths.

I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life.

Until we meet again my friends, enjoy the extended weekend and be sure to thank those past and present military people for their service for our country keeping us the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Love,

Am I Good Enough............

Happy Monday Gang!

Hope you're all having a wonderful start to your week.  It was a stormy night here in southwestern Wisconsin.  I normally sleep through storms, but not last night.

The sun is peeking it's head out today, so that definitely lifts the spirits! :)

Today's 'Thought Path' takes us on a journey of:

Am I Good Enough?

I'm sure there have been days in everyone's life where we wonder if we're good enough.  If you've ever asked yourself that, have you ever wondered WHO it is you wonder if you're good enough for?  I guess we could lump it up as society as a whole.

I'll just share some of my own personal feelings on the subject.

As we all know, social media is EVERYWHERE & it can definitely make a person question their own existence and why are we even here if we're not perfect the way some people are portrayed in the media. (Note: There is a lot of photo shop and face tuning out there!  Don't be fooled!)

While social media is a challenge, comparing ourselves to others ideals is a challenge. I'm more challenged by the people in my own life, those that I come in contact with on a daily basis.  When I'm face to face with people, I have a tendency to watch their facial expressions and read them.  I can usually tell when I'm being judged for being overweight even though a word is never spoken.  Do you know the look?  The up and down look of your body and the look of disgust even though they may be trying to hide it.  I notice...... we exchange pleasantries and go about the rest of our day.  

The thing the other person doesn't know about me is the fact that I'll carry that look with me throughout the rest of the day and the days to come.  I'll continue to analyze myself and fat shame myself because I'm not a petite person, because I don't fit into that person's ideal of what they THINK I should look like.

While I'd love to look like a super model, I just don't.  Could I be thinner?  Absolutely.  Have I tried?  Absolutely.  Apparently I've just not tried hard enough.  But because I carry extra weight, does that automatically make me 'not good enough'?  In the eyes of some, the answer would be a resounding YES.  

The thing is, I don't just struggle with my weight as my 'Am I Good Enough' thought path......I struggle with other people's judgement of me, PERIOD.  If I don't say just the right words or if I don't have the answer to a specific question or if I can't remember something, I'm looked down upon.  That makes me want to stay home and hide where no one can see me, hear me or judge me.

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm not having a pity party.  I'm just trying to share with you what I go through on a daily basis.  I know that I'm not the only one, but some days it sure feels like it as I'm sure it does to many others as well.

Why are we such a damn judgmental bunch of people?  

We can certainly be our own worst enemy, partially because we overthink things and partially because we care so much about what other people think of us, how they view us.  

Ever since I was a young girl I've always been belittled and looked down upon.  I was made to feel that anything that came out of my mouth was utter stupidity (my brother's opinion), that I was too fat (my father once referred to me as an elephant when I was in high school), I'd try to reach out to boys I liked in high school only to get publicly humiliated in the halls...some classmates would be very condescending to me because I wasn't a cheerleader, blonde or have a perfect figure so in their eyes it made me automatically stupid, even as an adult I feel looked down upon during meetings and gatherings, etc...  I've struggled with these demons in my head all my life and it's why so much of the time anymore I just like to stay home with my 2 dogs and lock the doors.

If we could only get out of our own heads and not worry about everyone else's view, we'd be so much better off.  The only one we need to be concerned with is God.  He loves us and He'll never leave us nor forsake us.  He tells us that in His word and He's not a man that He should lie.  

Deuteronomy 31:8  (NIV)

8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Numbers 23:19 (MSG)

God is not man, one given to lies,
    and not a son of man changing his mind.

Please know that you ARE good enough.  Don't let anyone pull you down into a pit of pain.  Your life is worth SO much more!!  Just know that I'm telling this to myself as well as telling you.  I need to hear this in a huge way myself.  

I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life!

Until we meet again my friends, have a wonderful rest of your week and know that I'm here should you need a listening ear.

Love,

Who Makes The Decisions.................................

Hi Gang!

Where IS the time going?  I know I sound like a broken record, but it's May 2018 already!!!!!!!!!  Woah baby!

Today's Thought Path takes us down a road of decision making in relationships.  Who makes them and why?

I guess I've been conditioned since the beginning that men make the decisions for the most part.  That we, as women, wait on the man to make the decisions.....

Will he choose me?

Will he call me?

Will he make the first move?

If he does, will he choose to keep me?

Once he's made that decision, what will we do in life?

I'd like to do this or that, but will he want to?  

Etc.........

In today's modern society, many women are very 'take charge'.  I find that I'm not always one of them.  I have a tendency to always WAIT.  I've always been a people pleaser and always want the other person to be happy even if it costs me my own happiness.

I know some of you reading this are saying "WHAT?  Are you CRAZY?".  But truly stop and think of your own life.  Regardless if you're male or female reading this.  What is it like in your current relationship and in past relationships?  Who makes/made all the decisions?

I know for myself, I feel as though I'm always the one waiting on the man to make the decisions... aka....where he wants to go, when, why, with who, etc.....  

Again, I believe it comes down to people pleasing and I just don't want to live that way anymore.  What exactly do I mean?  I'm not saying that I'll be the only one making any decisions from now on, but I definitely want to partake in the decision making.  I don't always want to feel as though I have to wait until he wants to do something.  I want to make suggestions.  If it's something I really want to do and he doesn't, then I'll still do it myself and he can do his own thing, but if he really cares about me he'll have no problem doing what I like to do as well, showing me he cares.

Another part of this scenario is support.  What I mean is that in a relationship, everything can't always be one sided, one always being supportive and not having that support returned.  

Example:  You're always running errands for him, going with him to see his family & friends, etc..., but when it comes time for things that are important to you, he'd rather stay home and doesn't want to be bothered or would rather hang out with his friends.  He needs to return the support and be there for you in all aspects as well.  It's mutual respect.  If there is none, the relationship is doomed to fail unless you're willing to continue to put up with that type of disrespect.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not man bashing in the least.  I'm merely saying that you also have the right to be happy in your relationship.  You don't need to be a people pleaser at the sake of your own happiness and sanity.  (This is true in the reverse as well...men on the waiting side.)

I hope this jumbled mess makes sense.  

Bottom line is, don't be afraid to speak up for your needs and desires.  Don't be anyone's doormat.  You deserve love and respect just like everyone else and nothing less.

I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe, and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life.

Until we meet again my friends, have a terrific start to May!

Love,

Learning When To Let Go............

Hi Gang!

Happy Sunday to you all!

It's sunny 😎 and 59* here in Wisconsin.  I hope you're having beautiful weather wherever you are today!

Today's Thought Path is .....

Learning When To Let Go...........................

Are you someone who loves fast and falls hard?  I'm definitely one of those people.  When I do, I put everything into it.  Unfortunately, the other person doesn't usually do that, which is heartbreaking for me.

The other heartbreaking part for me is learning when to let go.  I always hold out hope that things will change and the other person will change his mind.  That doesn't happen.

I set myself up for a letdown yet again last night.  I was singing at a function and invited someone to come to listen.  He chose to be with his friends and totally blow off my feelings.

I keep telling myself that not everyone is into everyone and that's ok.  My mind gets it, but my heart has a heck of a time accepting that.  My heart always wants to give a multitude of chances even though my brain is kicking my heart saying 'When on earth are you going to get the picture???'.  

Ahhhhh........the heart can be so easily deceived, can't it?

For most of my life I've always depended on someone else to make me happy.  I know that sounds terrible, but I guess I was conditioned that way.  If the other person was having a good day, I could have a good day as well.  If the other person was in the pit, I'd fall right in with them.  

I have so much to be thankful for in life and need to learn not to depend on anyone but God for my happiness.   He's the only one who is truly faithful and doesn't change, nor does He lie.  

Side note......the person I invited last night has messaged me this morning asking how last night went.  I've not yet responded and not sure if I even will.  I deserve so much better treatment than what he's capable of giving.  I wish him the best, but he must move on and so must I.

I had a dream the other night that I was with a man so loving and kind.  We were perfect for each other, loving each other to the fullest and could make each other laugh.  We were so supportive of one another.  It was the most beautiful dream I've ever had.  At least for a few brief moments in a dream I truly felt what it feels like to be so totally & completely loved.  I'm so thankful that God gave me that brief glimpse into how that feels.  I can only hope that God will give me that special someone someday.

If you're in any type of relationship where the person is incapable of loving you the way you need and deserve, know that it's ok to let go and move on.  You don't have to settle for less than what you deserve and neither do I.  

I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life.

Until we meet again my friends, have a wonderful and blessed week ahead!

Love,

Depression ......... Thou Art Heartless............

Happy Sunday Gang!

So........ It's spring in April.......

It's also Wisconsin.  LOL

This weather is depressing enough itself, although southern WI certainly fared out better than the middle and northern parts as they've been REALLY hit with the ice and snow.

If you've read any of my previous blogs you know that I deal with depression.  I take a mild dose of meds to help out, but it doesn't completely take it away.

A huge part comes from loneliness in the relationship department.  Watching others, either in real life or on tv who are in love, challenges my mind.  While I'm truly happy for them it reminds me of the void in my own life.

Before you start to judge me and tell me I'm just having a pity party, please realize that I'm extremely thankful for all that I have in my life.  There's no doubt about that.  I just get lonely when I don't have a significant other to share life with.  

I know I'm not the only one that has these feelings.  I'm just crazy enough to write about it and expose myself.

I was in a relationship of sorts in the recent past.  Knowing he doesn't feel the same about me adds a bit to the depression.  Also, in all fairness, we just aren't attracted to everyone we meet.  It's just taking time for my mind and heart to heal.  Part of me wants to cry while another part of me chastises myself for wanting to cry feeling that it's ridiculous. 

The biggest issue seems to just be my weight.  I know I'm too heavy, but that doesn't make me a bad person.  Unfortunately we all seem to judge from the exterior rather than the interior.  

With depression, it doesn't just manifest itself in feeling down/blue, it shows up in always wanting to sleep, not wanting to work, not wanting to clean the house, not wanting to be around anyone, etc...  I know that sounds backwards in what I've just been saying about feeling lonely, but when all the feelings work together in the mind, a person gets to a point that they don't want to be around anyone.  

When you have a significant other to share your life with, who listens, laughs, loves and lives life with you, life is so much better.  It keeps you healthier and happier.  

If you have love in your life, be so thankful and don't ever take it for granted.

Also, be kind to everyone you meet.  You have no idea what battles they fight in their lives.

I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life.

Until we meet again my friends, be kind to one another.

Love,

Therapy.......Mental Health Care..........

Hi Gang!

We're on the downward spiral to the end of February 

and oh what a weather month we've had!

 From several inches of snow

to flooding.......

One extreme or the other!

Today's thought path takes us down the road of mental health therapy.

In years past (and sometimes still today) many people poo pooed the idea of therapy.  They thought that if someone needed therapy they must be 'crazy'.  It was always considered a stigma and people simply just didn't talk about it.

I, for one, ALWAYS wanted to go to therapy ever since I was a child.  Why?  Because I always wanted to learn how to deal with things in life, to get that outside perspective from someone who didn't know me or my family so there'd be no bias.  

When I went through my divorce, I was tormented by so many emotions and I knew I needed to talk to someone to help me learn how to deal with it all.

A few weeks after I filed I sought to find a Christian counselor.  That was my personal choice because I wanted someone who knows God and would come from a Godly perspective and not a worldly one.  When it comes to your mental health, you must be guarded.  You don't want to subject yourself to information that could be damaging.

I did find a Christian counselor.  She was amazing.  She helped me see things from a whole new perspective and gave me tools to use when I was at home to help me cope.  She also prayed with me at the end of every session and would share biblical scriptures with me.  

I went for about a year and also encouraged my kids to go as well.  We were ALL in need of mental therapy and I wouldn't change it for anything!

A few weeks into therapy I was diagnosed with a mild form of PTSD and anxiety.  She suggested medication and I flat out refused.  I didn't want to become someone I wasn't.  She told me that it bring me back to the happy person I used to be.

That went on for a while, me crying each time during therapy and beating myself up and feeling super depressed while she encouraged me to try some medication.  

I FINALLY gave in and decided to try something.  I saw the nurse at the therapist's office and she prescribed me a low dose of the generic form of Lexapro.  

I began taking it and within a couple weeks I was actually wanting to get out of bed and wanting to put my makeup on and function.  Prior to the medication I didn't want to do anything.  I was simply going through the motions and trying to make it through each day in a depressed and anxiety filled fog.

After taking it for about a year and a half I thought that I really didn't need it anymore and weaned myself off, basically cold turkey and not in a slow process.  As a result I went through withdrawals that made me want to physically tear the skin off my face.  

(This is fact and no exaggeration.  I was in a bad place.)

After being off of it for a bit I realized that I was slipping back into old patterns and knew I needed to go back to the doctor and see if I could get my prescription renewed.  Thankfully I was able to and I'm still taking it today.

Don't get me wrong.  Not everyone needs medication, but if you do there's absolutely no shame in getting on something to help you.  It not only helps you, but also affects your loved ones as well.  When you're better, they're better too.  

I know I've talked on the subject before, but I felt it was worth re-visiting for anyone who hadn't read it in a previous blog of mine, especially in the times we're living in today with all the school shootings and other killings.

People need HELP and the ones who are in dire need are slipping through the cracks.  One man, who murdered 3 people not far from here, slipped through the cracks unnecessarily.  His parents tried to get him help, but because he hadn't been diagnosed, he was considered sane.  Because he himself said he was fine, no one tried to treat him and they couldn't get him admitted to a facility.  His prior behavior should have been screaming red flags that this individual needed HELP, but instead, he was turned away and 3 innocent people lost their lives as a result.  

Everyone gets therapy for so many things, walking after hip or knee surgery, shoulder after rotator cuff surgery, speech after head or face trauma, so why is mental health therapy looked down upon?  It's so important to take care of your mental health.

I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life.

Until we meet again my friends, have a fantastic rest of your week and weekend and if you need help, please don't hesitate to reach out.

Love,

Public Humiliation...........

Hi Gang!

Batten down the hatches!  We're in for a snow storm tonight!!

Make sure you have food in the fridge, a snuggly blanket and a good show to watch or a good book to read and let it fall!

Anyhoo.....................

Today's thought path is about being humiliated publicly.  This has happened to me a couple of times (well, more than a couple, but I'll just give a couple vague examples here)......

One time, on FaceBook, I was criticized for a post I made.  The person chastising me was someone I thought was a friend.  While she thought she was correcting me about something that I didn't even say, she humiliated me about it on FB.  My phone started  ringing off the hook with other friends wondering what was going on.  As a result, I deleted the post and unfriended her.  I still speak to her, but I chose to use a healthy boundary and not allow her access to my FB page.

A previous blog of mine, "When To Mind Your Own Business", would have been a good read at that time.  

> Is this information for their physical protection?  No. I was in no danger

>  What are your motives for telling the person?  Attention

> Will this information cause unnecessary stress?  Yes it did

> Does the situation directly affect you?  No it didn't affect her at all

If she had a problem with my post, a personal phone call or text message to me would have been the more appropriate thing to do.  She could have addressed me and at the same time kept it personal.  

Another time was during a meeting.  I had said something that was totally innocent, but someone felt the need to ridicule me in front of our peers pointing out an error of something I said.  Mind you, as I've always told my children, it's not what you say, but how you say it.  This was a situation where you needed to be in my shoes at the time to realize the feeling.

You can say to someone 'Please pass the potatoes' in a calm and genuine voice.  It's well received and the person you're asking will be more than happy to pass them to you.  You can also say 'PASS THE POTATOES!'.  I cringe just reading that, so I apologize if that triggers anyone.  I know that sometimes it doesn't take much for me.  When asked in that manner, the person you're saying it to may either tell you off, not pass the potatoes or shrivel up into an emotional shell for protection.

Now, with all this being said, I know that we live in a culture of easily offended people.  Was I easily offended?  Probably.  

But there is a right way and a wrong way to handle each and every situation.

I feel that its just a matter of treating others with respect.  

If you've ever had a similar experience, you'll be able to relate.

Just remember to put yourself in the other person's shoes.  It will help guide you in how you treat others.

The Golden Rule:

"Do unto others as you'd have done unto you."

I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life.

Until we meet again my friends, stay warm & safe!

Love,