Overthinking . . .

Happy March ~ Gang!

It's been just a little bit since I've started blogging again and it seems to be a good place to get some thoughts out seeing as how I'm 'sure' I'm the 'only' one who ever thinks/feels the way I do.  😉

Does your mind ever mess things up in your life?  

What am I talking about?  I'm asking if when things are going seemingly well in your life, do you overthink about a situation and end up making a sunny day a shit storm?  

My mind will go through a million different scenarios trying to figure out my own ending to the situation rather than just letting things be knowing that everything is truly ok.  No, maybe it's not what I would have potentially done, but that doesn't make it wrong or bad.

It's taken me quite some time to learn to take a step back and re-assess each situation.  I used to ALWAYS jump to conclusions of my own without really slowing down and thinking things through.  When I would jump to conclusions, I'd end up causing an unnecessary riff.  

I'm slowly learning to live and let live and to NOT create stress/drama where there doesn't need to be.  It would happen because the other person didn't do what I THOUGHT they should have done and that maybe what they'd done was for an ulterior motive.            (talking behind my back or cheating on me)

I've almost always been insecure about myself... how I look, what I say, how I feel... as in, no confidence.  My mind has always struggled with feeling worthy enough of someone else's attention and love.  

"How could HE ever love me?  I'm overweight, I'm not a Barbie, I'm not super intelligent, I don't feel like I fit in.  So does he WANT something from me (money, food, etc...) because why ELSE would he want to be with ME?"

This is the thought that has plagued my mind for years.  When I was a teenager, one blustery cold morning while helping milk the cows, I mentioned I was cold.  My dad said "I didn't think elephants got cold".   👀  My brother used to tell me I'd always be tied to my momma's apron strings and would scream at me any time I'd try to help him do chores on the farm (he didn't need help apparently).  My pastor would make derogatory remarks concerning my weight, my ex-husband would tell me I was so fat, no one else would ever want me, basically lucky to have him.  😣  Kids in school made fun of me for my weight.  I WISH I weighed what I did back then.  Compared to now, I wasn't fat in the LEAST.  

Some of you can be reading this and thinking to yourself "just get over it!".  I wish I could.  Every time I think I'm over it or have forgotten about it, something happens for it all to rear it's ugly head once again.  

It ends up manifesting itself in so many facets of my life.  Again, I'm working on not letting it control me by stopping, taking a step back and re-assessing the situation.  

While, yes, I'm overweight, it has absolutely nothing to do with who I am.  My weight doesn't define me, except in other peoples' minds.  They judge anyone who isn't thin even if they're overweight themselves.  It's all just so mind boggling.  Our society has created a bunch of 'fat haters'.  

I've tried more weight loss gimmicks than I care to go into.  I did it to try to fit into everyone else's mold of who THEY thought I should be/look like.  As a result, I just continued to gain weight.  I'd love for it to be gone, but I've become so sick and tired of fighting it that I'm learning to just accept myself the way I am. 

Do I look at others with beautiful bodies and wish I looked like them?  Of course I do.  But I'm tired.  I've had 3 different types of cancer in my life.  I've had a rare issue with my appendix, I've had 4 surgeries so far and on meds to help to try to keep the cancer from resurfacing, plus 2 hernias.  By the time I get done at my 8-5 office job, I'm exhausted and ready to put my feet up and fall asleep.  

Needless to say, I'm done overthinking my whole weight situation.  It's just life situations I have a tendency to overthink about.  

So if you're like me, an overthinker, try to get grounded and reassess the situation.  If you can, stop and look around you.  See where you are.  Is the sun shining or is it raining?  Can you smell coffee brewing or bread baking?  Do you hear birds chirping or a semi passing by?  Are your hands dry and need some lotion?  

Being aware of your surroundings brings you back to the present moment to help ground you so that you can then reassess what you were just overthinking about.  Ask yourself if the situation is truly as bad as you were just thinking?  Will this matter tomorrow or next week, next month or next year?  Is it worth worrying about or fighting over?  Will either of those things fix the situation or somehow make it any better?  

See if these things help you the next time you start overthinking.  It's not instant and it DOES take time to catch yourself in that thought pattern, but each time it will get just a bit easier and you'll hopefully help yourself from making the mistake of starting an unnecessary argument that benefits no one.

I pray that you're happy, safe and that you have PEACE in your life.

Until next time gang!

Pia

It's Been More Than A Hot Minute

 Hello Gang!

 Yes, it's definitely been MORE than a hot minute since I've been here.  So many things have changed as they do for all of us.

Since my last posting, I've since quit going to church.  I had been debating at the time as to what to do and as of December 8, 2019 I walked out the door and haven't been back since. 

For MONTHS I had beaten myself up for not going.  I felt like people leaving the church was somehow MY fault.  It took time and quite a bit of therapy to finally realize I DON'T have THAT kind of power! LOL  

You'll no doubt think me crazy (which I know I am a bit LOL), but when the church was being built, I heard the Lord say to me "Be Careful" before the walls of the sanctuary were even erected.  It was a warning of sorts that things could change and not in a good way should the members or clergy not do what's right.  

I shared these words with some fellow congregants.  While a couple of them listened, for the rest it seemed to fall on deaf ears.  I mean, who am I?  I never felt treated as though I was a TRUE follower of Jesus or that my words meant anything.  I felt looked upon as someone who wasn't truly knowledgeable about the Bible or spiritual enough.  Despite being treated as such, I was always seemingly good enough to come to church twice a week to practice worship (singing) and preform twice each week.  I was good enough for that.  (Feeling a bit used after a while - slow learner or just too forgiving..........  😩)  

This wasn't the main reason I left.  The main reason is comprised of a multitude of other reasons and on that cold December 8th, 2019 morning, the last item was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I'd truly had enough and was DONE.

Another reason is that I don't go to church to hear about politics.  While the Pastor did not preach one way or the other from the pulpit, my fellow congregants made it well known that they're strongly Republican.  This is their God given right and I don't look down on them for that.  My issue is when they constantly trash the opposition.  What happened to the scripture Luke 6:31 "Do unto others as you'd have done unto you" or John 15:12 " My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."?  Are they TRULY loving others?  It appears NOT.  I don't consider myself one certain political party as I vote for whomever I feel will do the best job regardless of their political affiliation, but in my former church circle and in many across the country, being Republican is the ONLY party.  

Also, OUR church was TRULY the ONLY RIGHT church to be in.  If someone went to another church, others looked down their noses at them or if they chose to not go to church at all.  Regardless, all were basically deemed 'backslidden'.  

Let's be real.  No one knows anyone else's heart and or what their relationship is with the Lord, but the person themselves and who are we to pass judgement on them if they decide to leave?  

All I know is that the number of members continued to dwindle over the years.  It became quite depressing.  I've been blamed for years for things I had nothing to do with (my ex husband blamed me for everything), so in my mind, those emptying pews must have been due to something I had done, right?  WRONG!

I still love the Lord immensely even though I don't go to church.  I tried a Baptist church, it was nice, but I was just not in a right head space having just left my original church.  I tried church online.... it was ok for a bit, but still not what I truly wanted or needed.  So instead, I've taken a very long sabbatical from church.  The guilt and condemnation from not going has finally left me (it took a couple of years though).  And I enjoy my Sundays with family and friends.

I think back to all the Sundays I pushed family and friends aside because I felt I HAD to go to church, makes me a bit sad.  Without family and friends, what do we really have?  I'd push them to the back burner while doing what I THOUGHT at the time was the RIGHT decision.  CHURCH HAD to come first, right?  NO!

It partially pains me to say that as I'd cultivated what I thought to be special friendships and 'family' at the church.  That was all fine, well and good as long as I only seemed to have 'church friends' or only do 'church things' or go to 'church events/seminars'.  EVERYTHING had to revolve around church.  It was suffocating after a time.  

There are so many reasons why I left, but I don't feel the need to publish them here.  Will I EVER go back to a church?  If I had to give you an answer today, it would be 'no'.  Possibly someday?  Maybe.............  

I just don't have time for the hypocrisy within the walls.  I am a good person with a lot to offer and I'm tired of being used and looked down upon.  

There are other areas of my life that I've set up some healthy boundaries with as well.  It's important that we each do what we feel is best for ourselves and NOT get painted into a corner by others that are misinformed.  

Keep an open mind and an open heart.  Don't always take things for face value.  Do your research.  If someone tells you THEIR WAY is the ONLY WAY......... you may want to re-evaluate the situation.  

Look out for yourselves, love yourselves and take care of each other.  Life is definitely too short.

I pray that you're healthy, that you're happy, that you're safe.....

And I pray you have PEACE in your life!  

Catch you on the flip side!

Pia

Burnt Out...........

Hey Gang!

Welcome back to the blog!  

It's definitely been a hot minute since I've been on here.  Life got busy and I went through some depression, but I'm back and hoping to write a bit more here and get re-connected.  

Today's 'Thought Path' is ....

Burnt Out...

Do you ever feel burnt out about things in life?  Maybe your job or a relationship or finances or church?  Maybe you're just burnt out about the weather.  I think that one is a true statement for ALL of us this winter.  I know I'll certainly be glad to see the end of all the ice.  

I guess what I've been struggling with a lot lately is church.  While I love the Lord immensely, I've just been struggling with attending church.  I haven't been there in 2 1/2 months.  For any that reads my blog that may be regular attendees, you may be gasping at that statement.  I'm not here to shock, impress, hurt or offend anyone.  I'm merely here to share with you my struggles so that if you are going through something similar, you'll know you're not alone.

I've been saved now for going on 20 years.  When it first happened, I was totally on fire.  Everything was fresh and alive.  The Word jumped off the pages for me and it was exciting.  

20 years later....... I've watched the church slowly fade away.  While there's the natural events of people passing away which drives down numbers, the kids who were once toddlers have now grown and have moved away.  While other members have chosen different churches for different reasons.  Politics also drives a wedge in the midst of the body.  While watching all of these things transpire, I find that my heart is hurting more and more and I'm struggling to deal with all of it.  It's taken more of a toll on me than I ever truly realized.  

I've helped with worship a great portion of the last 20 years and to look out at the congregation and see fewer and fewer faces each time is heartbreaking.  I've been asking myself, do I continue?  It's not a matter of continuing to love the Lord.  That's a no brainer for me.  He's ALWAYS been there for me and I know He ALWAYS will be, but it's been a question of whether or not to keep going to church.  Hebrews 10:25 tells us not to forsake the assembling of ourselves.  While I know that to be true, it's also been a difficult road when you see all that is happening within the body.  

I can remember when I first started going to church.  We felt like a huge family.  Now, unfortunately, it feels as though I attend out of obligation rather than any joy.  It feels like it's more of a job or a task master than an enjoyment of spending time with my Father.  

Yes, I know that part of it is my attitude and I need an adjustment.  I know that life is messy and isn't always perfect and I don't expect it to be.  But at the same token, it's challenging when you go and feel as though something is broken and you don't exactly know what is broken nor do you know how to fix it.  That, in and of itself, is so terribly defeating.  

If you've made it this far, kudos to you!  I know this isn't exactly uplifting and sugary today.  It's just where I am and how I'm feeling.  I think we all go through those times in life regardless of what facet of life it happens to be, where we get burnt out and need a refreshing....a revival.  

If you're in the same burnt out boat as I am, just know that there are better days ahead!  Spring is on the way and I truly believe that will help bring all of us out of the winter blues.  This winter weather has been relentless, but warmer breezes and sunny filled days are coming!! :)

Chin up buttercup!

I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe, and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life!

Until we meet again my friends, I'll catch you on the flip side!

Love,

Body Confidence .............

Good Morning Gang!

August is already over half over.  It seems like it was just January.  Time waits for no one.

Today's thought path takes us into an area that I've struggled with my entire life... Body Confidence.

My whole life I've been a big girl.  I was born at almost 9 lbs, I was a very chubby child, a fat teenager and yes, a fat adult.  

(I WISH I weighed now what I used to weigh in high school!)  

Boys used to make fun of me, I mean, WHO in their right mind would date a fat girl?  The girls made fun of me, like, what could I POSSIBLY know?  Apparently my excess weight made me stupid?  My father referred to me as an elephant.  My maternal grandmother was mean to me, always ridiculing me because of my weight, as if my weight somehow made me a horrible person.  

Whether I was at home or at school, someone somewhere was looking down on me. I never felt I had a 'safe' zone except when I was alone.  When I was alone, I had food.  Food somehow soothed my broken spirit.  When I was old enough and had some of my own money, I'd go buy a box of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls or any other box of snacks, hide them under my bed and eat them in secret.  Food never called me names, never judged me, never rejected me...it was always there for me.  Because of that, I fell in love with food.  

My siblings were enough older than me that they'd moved out and I grew up, for the most part, like an only child especially during the ages of junior high and high school.  I spent a lot of time in my bedroom.  If I wasn't eating, I was doing sit-ups and push-ups and leg-lifts (as if I didn't already get enough exercise on the farm lifting 5 gallon buckets full of feed ~ which I would pump like weights to build my muscles to beat the boys in arm wrestling in school ;)  ~)  But I figured I needed to continue to exercise to try to 'get thin'.  

I was always looking at myself to see if I'd changed.  (As if a few sit-ups was going to change me instantly.)  I would also look in the mirror and wonder why people judged me in such a negative light just because of my weight.  I'm a good person.  I'm kind and considerate and would rather take on anyone else's pain onto myself rather than see them in pain.  So WHY did everyone treat me so poorly?  

Part of me used to think, I guess I need to be a bee with an itch in order to get people to treat me better.  Anyone that knows me knows that's not in my DNA.  I'm a 'live and let live' kind of person.  I'm nice to you, so please just be nice to me.  How hard is that?  Instead, I'm nice, but a good portion of the time I get looks up and down my body with subtle looks of disgust.  Those judgmental glances are so painful.  I get them from both males and females alike.  

Also, from the area of dating, I've met several men online.  They seem to like my face, but once they see my whole body they want to run the other way.  If you've never experienced that, you have no idea how completely gut wrenching that is.  I typically don't even get a chance for them to see my inner beauty.  

What I have to begin to understand is that it's their problem, not mine.  If they're that shallow, then they're obviously not worth my time or attention.  It's just always hard to deal with the rejection.  I've been rejected so many times in my life, more than I could possibly count.  

Don't get me wrong.  I know that I'm far from the only one who's ever dealt with rejection, but when you're going through it, you feel like the only one because it is absolutely crushing.  It makes me question everything about myself.  I'll sit and cry because of feeling rejected, feeling a failure, feeling ugly, feeling worthless and feeling alone.  That's a hard spot to be in for anyone.

What I'm trying to do is to change how I see myself.  

You know that what you're told over and over, whether it's positive or negative, you begin to believe it.  That being said, I need to start telling myself positive things over and over until I begin to believe it.  I need to encourage myself.  

We all need to encourage ourselves and be kind to others as well.  

I challenge you today (and myself ) to say just one kind thing  today about yourself.  Then do it again tomorrow, and the day after, until you've completed a whole week.  

Once you get one week in, say two kind things about yourself for the next week, and so on.  Lets see if we can change the world one kind word at at time!

I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life.

Until we meet again my friends, stay positive and I'll catch you on the 

Enjoying Planning........... Decorating A Planner

Happy Monday Gang!

I know it's been a hot minute since I've blogged, but I've got something fun I want to share with you that I've been up to!  

I got into using planners a couple years ago, but recently ( the past few months) I've gotten more into the decorating planners.

I'm such a visual person, so I love seeing all the colors and what I can create.

This is my 'Bullet Journal'.  What does that mean?  I promise that no guns were used in the creating of this journal. 🤣🤣🤣😤

What it means is that the pages are filled with dots.  You can still draw on the page as if it were blank, or you can use the 'bullets' (dots) to connect to create cleaner lines.  It's up to you.  This is what I've created for the month of August.

This is another one that has 'dutch doors' for each week of August.  I've been playing with each kind of planner to see what I like best.  

I've found that it's given me a lot of peace while I plan and be creative.  It brings a joy to my heart and actually makes me excited. :)

This is my Recollections planner with each day vertically.  

The great thing about planners is that you can decorate them however your heart desires.  There is no wrong way to decorate.  What one person may find helpful, you may not and vice versa.  Do what makes your heart happy when you decorate your planner.

Some people purchase the Erin Condren planners.  While they are very pretty, I have found that the Recollections planners are just as nice and are much more economical than the EC's.  

Etsy has a number of shops where you can purchase stickers or you can find free ones online that you can print at home as well.  The ones you order will already be scored, but the ones you print, you'll obviously have to cut apart.  It's whatever you wish.  You don't HAVE to use stickers if you'd rather not.  You can draw or use colored tape (washi tape) or use markers, etc...

I've found that the planner community is so nice.  I love watching planning videos and like with anything else, you'll need to find out who's style of filming/planning you enjoy watching the most.

I also recently found a YouTube channel of a woman who does beautiful drawing/painting creations.

https://www.youtube.com/user/willowing

This is her style of drawing/painting.  I love watching people's creativity. :)

I have found that working on these planners, being creative, has helped my anxiety and depression a great deal.  It gives me an outlet to do something fun and takes my mind off of any problems I may be facing.

So today, if you're struggling, try something new.  It doesn't have to be planning.  Maybe you'd enjoy gardening or cooking/baking, music, painting, etc...  Opening up your creativity can be an awesome way to heal your mind and your heart.

I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life!

Until we meet again my friends, have a fantastic week and I'll catch you on the 

Love,

Finding Peace In Your Life.........

Good Afternoon Gang!

The sun is shining here in Southwestern Wisconsin and I hope that it is where you are as well!

If you've been here for a hot minute, you know that I always end my blog praying that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life.

Peace is so important in everyone's life.  The problem that arises is when we attempt to depend on someone else to give us that peace.  

We live in such a chaotic world. There are shootings and plane crashes, wars, volcanic eruptions, wild fires, political scandals, etc...  The list goes on and on.  It's quite easy to watch the news and get so worked up and overwhelmed by it all and ultimately lose your peace.

Part of finding the peace in your life is just shutting things off.  Research has shown that reading the news vs watching the news can be so much easier to handle.  When watching the news, there is usually music involved as well as the dramatic way the news is presented.  So from a news perspective, try reading instead of watching.

Another help in finding peace is getting off social media.   I remember the days when there wasn't such a thing as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, etc...  Today, our phones are almost attached to our hands.  We've forgotten what it's like to have face to face interaction with each other because we're afraid we'll miss something on social media.  I'm just as guilty as anyone else!  Just the feeling of NEEDING to be connected to what's going on at this instant can disrupt your peace.

Are you always on the go?  Sometimes we need to just slow down and find peace within.  Sometimes that's from reading the Bible or an uplifting devotional.  Sometimes it's just not listening to or reading anything, but getting in a quiet place and relaxing.  It's good for us to be 'un-plugged' for a bit.  

Now, for some of you, I'm guessing you're already thinking 'There's NO WAY I can un-plug!  I'm just too busy!  People depend on me!', etc...  

Yes, I know that many people depend on us for a variety of reasons, whether its at our job, or in our home, or in a group we volunteer for, but it's still so important to un-plug.  It doesn't have to be for a long period.  Just start out with 5 minutes at a time.  Shut off your phone, TV, or radio.  Put down the book, newspaper or magazine.  Find a quiet place in your home, a place that you designate specifically for quiet time and reflection.  At first, it may be a difficult endeavor, but the more times you try it, the easier it will become.  

We have a tendency to get so busy in this life, we forget to take time out for ourselves, to find our inner peace.  As a result, we get angry, frustrated, full of pain and end up lashing out at those we love.  

There is no shame in taking care of yourself.  When you take care of yourself and find your inner peace, you have plenty of yourself to share with others.  You can't give out what you don't have to begin with.

You also can't depend on others to give you peace.  It's not their job.  And when you depend on others for peace, it only works against you.  You set yourself up for a letdown.  We can only be responsible for our own.

If you sat down today, just for 5 minutes, could you think of 2 things you enjoy doing?  Are those things something you could do today?  For example, maybe you enjoy swimming.  It may give you joy and peace at the same time.  Or maybe you enjoy hiking?  This could do the same thing.  Maybe you enjoy crafting or have always wanted to write a book.  Think of those things that only you can do that give you great joy and try to incorporate them in your life a little bit at a time.

Remember to always keep healthy boundaries with people and also with social media.  Some situations are just plain toxic and you deserve so much more!!

I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life!

Until we meet again my friends, take time out for YOU today.

Love,

Suicide is NOT the Answer..........................

Today's 'Thought Path' is about :

Suicide

Suicide is something that has touched my life personally.  My brother committed suicide 22 years ago and my grandfather 32 years ago.  My son had one of his best friends commit suicide just a few weeks ago and as the world has learned, we've recently lost Kate Spade and now Anthony Bourdain to this same painful tragedy.  Another one, who I greatly miss, is Robin Williams.

As I've always told my children, suicide is NOT the answer.  

Unfortunately, there are those who are in such a dark mental place that it's difficult for them to see the brighter side of life.  The recent deaths show us that no matter how much money you have, it CAN'T buy you happiness.  



Mental health awareness needs to be brought out even more into the light.  People need help via counseling and sometimes medication as well and there's NOTHING wrong with either of those things.

For years, so many people have been ridiculed for going to see a therapist or as some refer to them, a 'shrink'.  People who've gone to counseling were considered freaks...only crazy people see a shrink...etc...

That is WRONG!  You go to the doctor when you have the flu or a cold.  You go to the doctor if you need surgery or a cast for a broken bone.  So WHY is it such a stigma to go to a doctor for your mental health?  

We need to change the way the world views mental health.  If more people would seek mental health help, I believe we could lower  suicides, murders and homicides drastically.  

If  someone you care about is dealing with suicidal thoughts, please don't ignore it.  They're trying to reach out for help.  Be there as a source of support and encourage them to talk to a professional.  Let them know that it's ok to seek help and that you'll walk alongside them as a source of support.

We ALL need help sometimes.  Whether it's someone you care about or it may be you, the one reading this blog.  Know that you ARE loved and cared about.  Don't be afraid to reach out for help and don't stop until you find the help you need.  

I, myself, have been to therapy many times.  I'm also on an anti-anxiety/depression medication and I'm not afraid to tell you that.  It was the BEST thing I've ever done for myself.

Just know that if you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me.  I have a good listening ear!

I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life.

NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE
1-800-273-8255

Until we meet again my friends, be safe and know that you're greatly loved.

Love,