I hope this finds you doing well.
I'm going to be brutally honest here. While you don't have to agree with me, understand that each of us has the right to our own opinion and since this is MY blog, I will share MY opinions/feelings. If you're not prepared, click away before going any further...
Back in the 90's, I felt like I was missing something in my life. My family, like so many, had a multitude of issues. My sisters quit speaking to me due to things my ex-husband said as he'd confronted them on a situation. As a result, they didn't speak to me again until my son was 5. It wasn't until our mother became ill and needed a complete hysterectomy did they speak to me again.
I was feeling that maybe what was missing was the relationship with my sisters. It was no doubt part of it, but I still felt a hole. It was in February 2000 that I was 'saved' and became 'born again' at an event called Heaven's Gates and Hells Flames. I finally felt like I was becoming a part of something bigger than myself, starting at the E-Free Church, learning the red-lettered words of Jesus, getting closer to Him.
After a short few months at that particular church, I was saddened by the behavior of the pastor there, telling my then husband, 'If everyone would just give a little more'........... The premise of his call at the time was supposedly to 'check on him'. Unfortunately, it was about money. My then husband quit going, but I felt obligated to continue to help our children have a relationship with Jesus, so I kept going. And later I'd heard comments about me not coming to church with my husband, about the fact that I hadn't brought my children to 'Trunk or Treat', but chose to take them trick or treating, the fact that all the women of the church were expected to come each weekend to clean the church even though we had families and worked 40+ hours outside our own homes. The pastor and his wife and children would make messes that THEY didn't clean, but the rest of us were expected to, yet neither of them worked outside the home (they lived above the church). I, not knowing any of the Bible, was asked to teach Sunday School to the preschoolers and was told I could 'learn with them', instead of an elder teaching them and allowing me to attend adult Sunday School.
Long story short, I pulled myself and my children from that church and it was many months before we attempted to find another one. We then went 'church shopping' as it were. The first one was ok, but the building smelled of cat urine, which was a total turn-off for me.
The next church had seemingly good preaching but was so dark with dark brown paneling. I'd thought, 'if only it was brighter in here, it would be nicer to attend'. We came back the next week and the walls were painted a light cream color. I'd not said a word to ANYONE and felt it was a sign that this was where we belonged.
The original church was smaller, but it felt more like family. The kids attended Sunday School while we attended church. I'd also gone to women's conferences with many of the church ladies and had a great time. All the while, though, I always felt like an outsider or that I had imposter syndrome. They all appeared to have the 'perfect life'. They came to church all smiles and happiness. No one seemed to have any struggles. Meanwhile, I was living in a verbally, emotionally abusive marriage and didn't feel I could outright share that because no one else shared any struggles, so I must be the odd one out. Most are also hard-core Republicans. While I vote for the person, not the party, as I've voted both ways before, I felt detached from the rest as it didn't matter WHO ran on the Republican ticket, they backed the person strictly because they're Republican and that's supposed to be the most 'Christian' party................ I did not agree and felt odd standing shoulder to shoulder with people I wasn't aligning with.
I attended church for 20 years and singing for the worship team for most of 19 of those years. While we're not to 'take offense' to some things people say, I would get subtle digs about my weight, I would never be contacted if something was changed up for that week's worship (if Pastor would be gone or if we'd have special music coming in). I was always the last to know, yet he expected me to text him if I wasn't going to be there as he chose songs that way... new ones if I were attending, or old familiar songs if I weren't.
When the new church was being built, I'd heard the Lord saying "Be Careful" before the walls were even erected. I wasn't sure what that exactly meant, but I did keep the thought in the back of my mind.
Over time, we continued to lose partitioners for one reason or another. I was beginning to wonder if it was me. My son came out to me as bi-sexual, and because of the teachings over the years that homosexuals would go to hell, I wondered if it was me tainting the congregation somehow as I'd always sing worship.
No, it had nothing to do with me. I don't have that kind of power. LOL
There had been a change in the worship team at one point that drove a divide in the church. And then finding out our phone line for the church had to be shut off 'because we didn't have enough money'................ Again, I took on the burden myself as I'd been unable to monetarily tithe. I only tithed my time and talents.
Once again, it had nothing to do with me.
I'd found out the Pastor had been writing himself out 'bonus' checks to the tune of $3,000 each (unclear of how many there were). And also, had found out he refused to come before the congregation to explain himself as these bonus checks were not discussed nor authorized by the elders.
I just couldn't take it any longer and walked out of the church on Sunday December 8, 2019, and haven't been back since.
It took me a lot of therapy and self-reflection to stop blaming myself in the whole situation. As a result, I won't be going back to organized religion any time soon. I still love the Lord, but the people have sure tainted His word, and it breaks my heart.
So many 'Christians' have voted for the current president, and it makes me sick. He does nothing but lie to the people and they drink it all in hook, line and sinker. He's making so many unethical decisions and yet they continue to back him. When asked about the plane/helicopter collision over the Potomac River, he had no sympathy for those who'd lost their lives, he had no interest in going to the crash site. He wants to change the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. He wants to take over Greenland. He's placing tariffs on so many countries, and he doesn't understand how tariffs work. He's trying to fire a multitude of Federal workers, sending them an email and causing mass chaos, and the list continues to grow. Yet they STILL give him all of their support.
To me...... a TRUE Christian has ethical common sense, someone who can see what's clearly right and what's clearly wrong. A TRUE Christian shares the struggles they go through allowing others to know they're not alone and offer a helping hand and a listening ear to those in need. A TRUE Christian is being humble, teachable and helpful.
Let's all try to be better and do better.
