Toxic Relationships..............

                                                 

If you've ever been in a toxic relationship, I don't want this to trigger you, so if you're easily triggered, please stop reading now.

I was in a toxic marriage for 20 years.  It was verbally/emotionally abusive.  Nothing I did was ever good enough.  I never worked hard enough, I was never quick enough, I didn't wash his white shirts white enough and didn't iron them correctly.........HELL, I didn't even hand them up on the hanger correctly....... ALL ACORDING TO HIM!  

Things that should have been laughed off, set him into a rage. Things that he should have taken seriously were just laughed off.  It was a very sadistic situation.  I never knew WHO I was coming home to.  

I'd left him a couple times, but only for short periods for many reasons.  I was afraid he might hurt the kids or myself if we didn't return.  I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to care for the kids monetarily on my own.  I was afraid he'd come to the school, grab the kids and take off with them and I'd never see them again (because one time he DID pull the kids out of school)!

I'd been screamed at both in my face as well as over the phone.  I'd had bags of groceries thrown across the room at me.  I'd come home to the inside of the home torn apart with everything piled in the middle of the room(s).  I'd come home to the entire driveway covered with everything that WAS in the garage.  I'd come home to everything strewn across the back yard out of the little rabbit barn.  

I was always on HIS timetable for getting things done.  I ran from sunup to sundown.  My mornings were busy getting the kids ready for the bus and breakfast, then getting myself ready for work.  I'd work until lunch and then use my lunch break to run around to find him and take him lunch, pick up his prescriptions, pick up feed for the animals, then I'd go back to work until 5:00.  Upon getting home I'd have to hurry to fix something for dinner because he wanted to have eaten and be back in his recliner to sleep before he went into his 3rd shift job.  

Don't get me wrong, if anything, he was a hard worker and provided monetarily for us, but was angry and volatile a good majority of the time and when he'd cool off, he'd want to 'make things right' by trying to buy our love by purchasing something in hopes that we'd forget about what happened and an 'I'm Sorry', was NEVER a part of his vocabulary.

Most of the time I didn't react.  My usual response, when screamingly asked, 'WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!?!', was, "I'm just tired".  

I was emotionally/mentally tired, no, downright exhausted!  He'd be good for a couple of days and then it would be right back to the rage.  We would always walk around the house waiting for the 'other shoe to drop'.  It wasn't matter of IF it would happen, it was a matter of WHEN it would happen.

I never knew exactly WHAT I was dealing with, but I knew it wasn't right as we didn't have Google to look things up at that time.  

He'd had to attend anger management a couple of times only to buffalo the instructor/therapist into believing he was perfectly fine and wouldn't end up completing the full scheduled sessions.  

He's a master manipulator and fanes 'not remembering' the argument that happened.  There was a lot of gaslighting for sure!

I'd tried to encourage him to get on some meds to help his demeanor and that it would in turn help us as a family.  He went on meds for a very short period of time but refused to stay on them.  So, for those of you wondering WHY wouldn't I encourage him to get help, I actually tried!  Our pastor offered marriage counseling, and he blew up about that as well and even verbally abused the pastor in a phone call.  

It wasn't until AFTER I'd filed for divorce, (he tried to run over the Chief of Police & he served 9 1/2 months in the local jail; that's another long story), and he was FINALLY diagnosed with Personality Disorder and Borderline Bi-Polar Disorder.  

I'm happy to say I've been out of that relationship for 13 years and divorced for 12 years.

All this to say, if YOU are in a toxic relationship, you've GOT to make up your mind.  Who is the toxic one?  If it's you, own it and get some help.  If it's your partner, ask them to do the same.  Meds can help, depending on what is going on, but bear in mind it's not always a cure all.  

If it's your partner and they refuse to get help, you NEED to GET OUT!  You need to love and respect yourself and any children you may have to get out safely!  So many times, the toxic one flips and can do something dangerous.  

PLEASE DON'T WAIT FOR THAT TO HAPPEN!

I want all who read this to be SAFE!!  

I pray that you're HAPPY.... HEALTHY....SAFE.....

And I pray you have PEACE in your life!