Good Morning Gang!
August is already over half over. It seems like it was just January. Time waits for no one.
Today's thought path takes us into an area that I've struggled with my entire life... Body Confidence.
My whole life I've been a big girl. I was born at almost 9 lbs, I was a very chubby child, a fat teenager and yes, a fat adult.
(I WISH I weighed now what I used to weigh in high school!)
Boys used to make fun of me, I mean, WHO in their right mind would date a fat girl? The girls made fun of me, like, what could I POSSIBLY know? Apparently my excess weight made me stupid? My father referred to me as an elephant. My maternal grandmother was mean to me, always ridiculing me because of my weight, as if my weight somehow made me a horrible person.
Whether I was at home or at school, someone somewhere was looking down on me. I never felt I had a 'safe' zone except when I was alone. When I was alone, I had food. Food somehow soothed my broken spirit. When I was old enough and had some of my own money, I'd go buy a box of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls or any other box of snacks, hide them under my bed and eat them in secret. Food never called me names, never judged me, never rejected me...it was always there for me. Because of that, I fell in love with food.
My siblings were enough older than me that they'd moved out and I grew up, for the most part, like an only child especially during the ages of junior high and high school. I spent a lot of time in my bedroom. If I wasn't eating, I was doing sit-ups and push-ups and leg-lifts (as if I didn't already get enough exercise on the farm lifting 5 gallon buckets full of feed ~ which I would pump like weights to build my muscles to beat the boys in arm wrestling in school ;) ~) But I figured I needed to continue to exercise to try to 'get thin'.
I was always looking at myself to see if I'd changed. (As if a few sit-ups was going to change me instantly.) I would also look in the mirror and wonder why people judged me in such a negative light just because of my weight. I'm a good person. I'm kind and considerate and would rather take on anyone else's pain onto myself rather than see them in pain. So WHY did everyone treat me so poorly?
Part of me used to think, I guess I need to be a bee with an itch in order to get people to treat me better. Anyone that knows me knows that's not in my DNA. I'm a 'live and let live' kind of person. I'm nice to you, so please just be nice to me. How hard is that? Instead, I'm nice, but a good portion of the time I get looks up and down my body with subtle looks of disgust. Those judgmental glances are so painful. I get them from both males and females alike.
Also, from the area of dating, I've met several men online. They seem to like my face, but once they see my whole body they want to run the other way. If you've never experienced that, you have no idea how completely gut wrenching that is. I typically don't even get a chance for them to see my inner beauty.
What I have to begin to understand is that it's their problem, not mine. If they're that shallow, then they're obviously not worth my time or attention. It's just always hard to deal with the rejection. I've been rejected so many times in my life, more than I could possibly count.
Don't get me wrong. I know that I'm far from the only one who's ever dealt with rejection, but when you're going through it, you feel like the only one because it is absolutely crushing. It makes me question everything about myself. I'll sit and cry because of feeling rejected, feeling a failure, feeling ugly, feeling worthless and feeling alone. That's a hard spot to be in for anyone.
What I'm trying to do is to change how I see myself.
You know that what you're told over and over, whether it's positive or negative, you begin to believe it. That being said, I need to start telling myself positive things over and over until I begin to believe it. I need to encourage myself.
We all need to encourage ourselves and be kind to others as well.
I challenge you today (and myself ) to say just one kind thing today about yourself. Then do it again tomorrow, and the day after, until you've completed a whole week.
Once you get one week in, say two kind things about yourself for the next week, and so on. Lets see if we can change the world one kind word at at time!
I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life.
Until we meet again my friends, stay positive and I'll catch you on the
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