Safety First!

 Happy Wednesday!

I hope you're all doing well even with the impending snow storm on the way!

As someone who's been in a verbally/emotionally abusive marriage, I'm here to tell you to PLEASE be sure to take care of yourself if you're in or have been in an abusive relationship regardless if it is/was verbal or physical.

If you have a no-contact order on the other person and, depending on your state, if it's only for a limited amount of time (Wisconsin is 4 years at a time), PLEASE do what you need to do to attempt to renew it.  If you don't at least TRY, you know it will be a no go for sure.

I bring this up because this year another 4 years have passed and I was contemplating whether or not to attempt to renew it myself, but after watching a Netflix series "My Lover, My Killer", I decided it was important to attempt to get it extended yet again.  

Mental health is so important to protect and when you're dealing with someone who has unstable mental health, it's vital to go to whatever lengths within the law to protect yourself.  

So many of us give too many chances to people in hopes that they've 'changed' or 'gotten better' or 'have moved on'.  Unfortunately, their mental instability doesn't work away, in particular, if they're not taking the meds prescribed by their mental health physician.  

I, myself, take anti-anxiety/depression medication.  I've been on it since going through my divorce back in 2012.  I was diagnosed with a form of PTSD due to the consistent verbal trauma I endured.  Believe me, I didn't want to go on meds and was afraid they'd make me a zombie.  My therapist tried for over 6 months to get me to consider taking something and told me it would 'bring me back to myself'.  I finally gave in and it was the best decision that I'd ever made.

Fast forward a 2-3 years later, I thought I was doing better (which I WAS due to taking the MEDS! LOL) and thought I didn't need them any longer and took myself off them.  In the process I went through HORRIBLE withdrawals wanting to literally claw the skin off my own face.  Needless to say, PLEASE don't be like me!  

Fast forward again to 2019 to some other family issues that cropped up and I wasn't handling life very well and went back to therapy and asked my therapist if I could go back on the meds that I stupidly went off of and of course she was super supportive of me doing that.

I'm here to tell you that they will be a daily staple for the rest of my life.  I'm thankful and feel so much better on the meds.  

Unfortunately, not everyone takes their meds as prescribed.  They think they're fine and don't need meds as they don't see themselves as having an issue.  It's a part of the irrational thinking due to hardwiring issues in the brain.  Some people don't have the capacity to have rational thoughts and that is SO unbelievably difficult for the person with rational thoughts to wrap the mind around and fully comprehend themselves.  We expect that everyone thinks rationally and would/should have a sane/rational response in any situation, but they don't always.

Back when I first started therapy, I'd sit crying in her office saying "Why can't he just be NICE to me?".  I'm no perfect duck, by any means, but I try to be kind and considerate of others just as I was of my now ex-husband.  Unfortunately, he would not be so kind and it wouldn't take much of anything to set him off.  

One night, after screaming incessantly at me, he left the house and I went upstairs to the nursery, melted down the wall into a ball by my baby's crib and cried.  It was one of the times I came extremely close to a mental breakdown.  Once again I was getting blamed for something I didn't do, but was getting punished.  20 years of living like that does a mental trip on a person.  (And that was only ONE of the MANY episodes the kids and I lived with.)

We've been divorced for just over 11 years, but sometimes things pop up and it feels like yesterday.  I've worked extremely hard to work on myself to heal from the trauma and still continue to work on myself. 

Don't ever let anyone tell you that you should be healed in a certain amount of time, regardless of what type of trauma you've been through.  Only YOU know what's best for you and you take as much time as you need to heal.  As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day and your healing isn't either.

All that to reiterate, PLEASE BE SAFE!! I don't want anyone to live a paranoid life, but I DO want you to always be aware of your surroundings and do what you need to in order to keep yourself safe.

My next plan of action... a video camera at my door.  ;)

I pray that you're healthy, happy, SAFE, and I pray that you have PEACE in your life!

Love and Light,

Pia

  

Overthinking . . .

Happy March ~ Gang!

It's been just a little bit since I've started blogging again and it seems to be a good place to get some thoughts out seeing as how I'm 'sure' I'm the 'only' one who ever thinks/feels the way I do.  😉

Does your mind ever mess things up in your life?  

What am I talking about?  I'm asking if when things are going seemingly well in your life, do you overthink about a situation and end up making a sunny day a shit storm?  

My mind will go through a million different scenarios trying to figure out my own ending to the situation rather than just letting things be knowing that everything is truly ok.  No, maybe it's not what I would have potentially done, but that doesn't make it wrong or bad.

It's taken me quite some time to learn to take a step back and re-assess each situation.  I used to ALWAYS jump to conclusions of my own without really slowing down and thinking things through.  When I would jump to conclusions, I'd end up causing an unnecessary riff.  

I'm slowly learning to live and let live and to NOT create stress/drama where there doesn't need to be.  It would happen because the other person didn't do what I THOUGHT they should have done and that maybe what they'd done was for an ulterior motive.            (talking behind my back or cheating on me)

I've almost always been insecure about myself... how I look, what I say, how I feel... as in, no confidence.  My mind has always struggled with feeling worthy enough of someone else's attention and love.  

"How could HE ever love me?  I'm overweight, I'm not a Barbie, I'm not super intelligent, I don't feel like I fit in.  So does he WANT something from me (money, food, etc...) because why ELSE would he want to be with ME?"

This is the thought that has plagued my mind for years.  When I was a teenager, one blustery cold morning while helping milk the cows, I mentioned I was cold.  My dad said "I didn't think elephants got cold".   👀  My brother used to tell me I'd always be tied to my momma's apron strings and would scream at me any time I'd try to help him do chores on the farm (he didn't need help apparently).  My pastor would make derogatory remarks concerning my weight, my ex-husband would tell me I was so fat, no one else would ever want me, basically lucky to have him.  😣  Kids in school made fun of me for my weight.  I WISH I weighed what I did back then.  Compared to now, I wasn't fat in the LEAST.  

Some of you can be reading this and thinking to yourself "just get over it!".  I wish I could.  Every time I think I'm over it or have forgotten about it, something happens for it all to rear it's ugly head once again.  

It ends up manifesting itself in so many facets of my life.  Again, I'm working on not letting it control me by stopping, taking a step back and re-assessing the situation.  

While, yes, I'm overweight, it has absolutely nothing to do with who I am.  My weight doesn't define me, except in other peoples' minds.  They judge anyone who isn't thin even if they're overweight themselves.  It's all just so mind boggling.  Our society has created a bunch of 'fat haters'.  

I've tried more weight loss gimmicks than I care to go into.  I did it to try to fit into everyone else's mold of who THEY thought I should be/look like.  As a result, I just continued to gain weight.  I'd love for it to be gone, but I've become so sick and tired of fighting it that I'm learning to just accept myself the way I am. 

Do I look at others with beautiful bodies and wish I looked like them?  Of course I do.  But I'm tired.  I've had 3 different types of cancer in my life.  I've had a rare issue with my appendix, I've had 4 surgeries so far and on meds to help to try to keep the cancer from resurfacing, plus 2 hernias.  By the time I get done at my 8-5 office job, I'm exhausted and ready to put my feet up and fall asleep.  

Needless to say, I'm done overthinking my whole weight situation.  It's just life situations I have a tendency to overthink about.  

So if you're like me, an overthinker, try to get grounded and reassess the situation.  If you can, stop and look around you.  See where you are.  Is the sun shining or is it raining?  Can you smell coffee brewing or bread baking?  Do you hear birds chirping or a semi passing by?  Are your hands dry and need some lotion?  

Being aware of your surroundings brings you back to the present moment to help ground you so that you can then reassess what you were just overthinking about.  Ask yourself if the situation is truly as bad as you were just thinking?  Will this matter tomorrow or next week, next month or next year?  Is it worth worrying about or fighting over?  Will either of those things fix the situation or somehow make it any better?  

See if these things help you the next time you start overthinking.  It's not instant and it DOES take time to catch yourself in that thought pattern, but each time it will get just a bit easier and you'll hopefully help yourself from making the mistake of starting an unnecessary argument that benefits no one.

I pray that you're happy, safe and that you have PEACE in your life.

Until next time gang!

Pia