Overthinking . . .

Happy March ~ Gang!

It's been just a little bit since I've started blogging again and it seems to be a good place to get some thoughts out seeing as how I'm 'sure' I'm the 'only' one who ever thinks/feels the way I do.  😉

Does your mind ever mess things up in your life?  

What am I talking about?  I'm asking if when things are going seemingly well in your life, do you overthink about a situation and end up making a sunny day a shit storm?  

My mind will go through a million different scenarios trying to figure out my own ending to the situation rather than just letting things be knowing that everything is truly ok.  No, maybe it's not what I would have potentially done, but that doesn't make it wrong or bad.

It's taken me quite some time to learn to take a step back and re-assess each situation.  I used to ALWAYS jump to conclusions of my own without really slowing down and thinking things through.  When I would jump to conclusions, I'd end up causing an unnecessary riff.  

I'm slowly learning to live and let live and to NOT create stress/drama where there doesn't need to be.  It would happen because the other person didn't do what I THOUGHT they should have done and that maybe what they'd done was for an ulterior motive.            (talking behind my back or cheating on me)

I've almost always been insecure about myself... how I look, what I say, how I feel... as in, no confidence.  My mind has always struggled with feeling worthy enough of someone else's attention and love.  

"How could HE ever love me?  I'm overweight, I'm not a Barbie, I'm not super intelligent, I don't feel like I fit in.  So does he WANT something from me (money, food, etc...) because why ELSE would he want to be with ME?"

This is the thought that has plagued my mind for years.  When I was a teenager, one blustery cold morning while helping milk the cows, I mentioned I was cold.  My dad said "I didn't think elephants got cold".   👀  My brother used to tell me I'd always be tied to my momma's apron strings and would scream at me any time I'd try to help him do chores on the farm (he didn't need help apparently).  My pastor would make derogatory remarks concerning my weight, my ex-husband would tell me I was so fat, no one else would ever want me, basically lucky to have him.  😣  Kids in school made fun of me for my weight.  I WISH I weighed what I did back then.  Compared to now, I wasn't fat in the LEAST.  

Some of you can be reading this and thinking to yourself "just get over it!".  I wish I could.  Every time I think I'm over it or have forgotten about it, something happens for it all to rear it's ugly head once again.  

It ends up manifesting itself in so many facets of my life.  Again, I'm working on not letting it control me by stopping, taking a step back and re-assessing the situation.  

While, yes, I'm overweight, it has absolutely nothing to do with who I am.  My weight doesn't define me, except in other peoples' minds.  They judge anyone who isn't thin even if they're overweight themselves.  It's all just so mind boggling.  Our society has created a bunch of 'fat haters'.  

I've tried more weight loss gimmicks than I care to go into.  I did it to try to fit into everyone else's mold of who THEY thought I should be/look like.  As a result, I just continued to gain weight.  I'd love for it to be gone, but I've become so sick and tired of fighting it that I'm learning to just accept myself the way I am. 

Do I look at others with beautiful bodies and wish I looked like them?  Of course I do.  But I'm tired.  I've had 3 different types of cancer in my life.  I've had a rare issue with my appendix, I've had 4 surgeries so far and on meds to help to try to keep the cancer from resurfacing, plus 2 hernias.  By the time I get done at my 8-5 office job, I'm exhausted and ready to put my feet up and fall asleep.  

Needless to say, I'm done overthinking my whole weight situation.  It's just life situations I have a tendency to overthink about.  

So if you're like me, an overthinker, try to get grounded and reassess the situation.  If you can, stop and look around you.  See where you are.  Is the sun shining or is it raining?  Can you smell coffee brewing or bread baking?  Do you hear birds chirping or a semi passing by?  Are your hands dry and need some lotion?  

Being aware of your surroundings brings you back to the present moment to help ground you so that you can then reassess what you were just overthinking about.  Ask yourself if the situation is truly as bad as you were just thinking?  Will this matter tomorrow or next week, next month or next year?  Is it worth worrying about or fighting over?  Will either of those things fix the situation or somehow make it any better?  

See if these things help you the next time you start overthinking.  It's not instant and it DOES take time to catch yourself in that thought pattern, but each time it will get just a bit easier and you'll hopefully help yourself from making the mistake of starting an unnecessary argument that benefits no one.

I pray that you're happy, safe and that you have PEACE in your life.

Until next time gang!

Pia