Take Care of You.............

Happy Friday Gang!

I've been out and about traveling and surprisingly got some much overdue rest and relaxation.  I came back with a new perspective and today's 'Thought Path'.....

~ Take Care of You ~

I'm the kind of person who has looked after so many people in my life and have neglected myself.  I've always put my needs on the back burner because, after all, it's just me and I can take care of myself 'later'.  

This past week I got an amazing amount of rest and also got out of my shell a bit.  Sunday I went to the Columbus Zoo all by myself.  Yep!  No one to go with me to keep me company, no one to talk to, but also no one to rush me or want to go see things I may not have been interested in.  It was just time for ME.  

For some, you may think I was being selfish, and you'd be absolutely correct.  It's long overdue for me to actually think more of myself than a fat, unattractive, stupid blob who has absolutely nothing to offer.  Yep, you read that correctly.  That's been my view of myself over the years.  Way too fat, so that means I'm stupid, lazy and have nothing to offer anyone.  These are old tapes that have played over and over and over in my mind for far too long.  

Do you know that when you keep telling yourself something over and over, whether it's good or bad, you actually begin to believe it?  That's been my life.  

If you read my last blog post, you know that I've carried some hurtful comments in my mind and heart for a long time and ended up letting them define who I am as a human being.  I'm beginning to change those bad tapes in my mind.

Tuesday night I went out to dinner with a bunch of work colleagues at an Italian restaurant and after a couple of glasses of wine, I opened up that the old me would have hibernated in my room instead of coming out to dinner.  I also opened up about my anxiety in larger groups and the feeling of never being good enough to associate with people in my working life and sometimes in my personal life.  

They were flabbergasted that I felt that way.  They had absolutely no idea.  

That's the thing with emotions/feelings/thoughts, they don't always translate on the outside, but can weigh heavy on the inside.  

The past 5 days in Columbus has been such a wonderful experience for me in so many ways.  I was able to rest, recharge, start eating better, getting some exercise, listen to some great speakers and hanging out with some really amazing people.  It was a great combination to rejuvenate my mind and heart to do something better for myself instead of always putting myself last.  I've always put myself last and it's WAY overdue to change that.

I felt so amazing last night that I actually did my dishes, did a huge amount of laundry and some tidying around the house.  Normally I'm in such a cloud of depression I just come home and sit on the couch and close out the world and do nothing.  

The path of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step.  The past 5 days began my journey to 'taking care of me'.   I've never felt this amazing in a very long time.  I actually feel alive again and it's not because of anyone else in my life to make me happy.  I used to think the only way I could be happy was with a significant other.  I'd still enjoy to share my life with someone, but my happiness is not dependent upon someone else and I finally realize that.  

Living life is like the survival response on a crashing plane........put the oxygen mask on YOURSELF FIRST, THEN help others.  I just put my mask on and am taking some good, cleansing breaths.

I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life.

Until we meet again my friends, enjoy the extended weekend and be sure to thank those past and present military people for their service for our country keeping us the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Love,

Am I Good Enough............

Happy Monday Gang!

Hope you're all having a wonderful start to your week.  It was a stormy night here in southwestern Wisconsin.  I normally sleep through storms, but not last night.

The sun is peeking it's head out today, so that definitely lifts the spirits! :)

Today's 'Thought Path' takes us on a journey of:

Am I Good Enough?

I'm sure there have been days in everyone's life where we wonder if we're good enough.  If you've ever asked yourself that, have you ever wondered WHO it is you wonder if you're good enough for?  I guess we could lump it up as society as a whole.

I'll just share some of my own personal feelings on the subject.

As we all know, social media is EVERYWHERE & it can definitely make a person question their own existence and why are we even here if we're not perfect the way some people are portrayed in the media. (Note: There is a lot of photo shop and face tuning out there!  Don't be fooled!)

While social media is a challenge, comparing ourselves to others ideals is a challenge. I'm more challenged by the people in my own life, those that I come in contact with on a daily basis.  When I'm face to face with people, I have a tendency to watch their facial expressions and read them.  I can usually tell when I'm being judged for being overweight even though a word is never spoken.  Do you know the look?  The up and down look of your body and the look of disgust even though they may be trying to hide it.  I notice...... we exchange pleasantries and go about the rest of our day.  

The thing the other person doesn't know about me is the fact that I'll carry that look with me throughout the rest of the day and the days to come.  I'll continue to analyze myself and fat shame myself because I'm not a petite person, because I don't fit into that person's ideal of what they THINK I should look like.

While I'd love to look like a super model, I just don't.  Could I be thinner?  Absolutely.  Have I tried?  Absolutely.  Apparently I've just not tried hard enough.  But because I carry extra weight, does that automatically make me 'not good enough'?  In the eyes of some, the answer would be a resounding YES.  

The thing is, I don't just struggle with my weight as my 'Am I Good Enough' thought path......I struggle with other people's judgement of me, PERIOD.  If I don't say just the right words or if I don't have the answer to a specific question or if I can't remember something, I'm looked down upon.  That makes me want to stay home and hide where no one can see me, hear me or judge me.

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm not having a pity party.  I'm just trying to share with you what I go through on a daily basis.  I know that I'm not the only one, but some days it sure feels like it as I'm sure it does to many others as well.

Why are we such a damn judgmental bunch of people?  

We can certainly be our own worst enemy, partially because we overthink things and partially because we care so much about what other people think of us, how they view us.  

Ever since I was a young girl I've always been belittled and looked down upon.  I was made to feel that anything that came out of my mouth was utter stupidity (my brother's opinion), that I was too fat (my father once referred to me as an elephant when I was in high school), I'd try to reach out to boys I liked in high school only to get publicly humiliated in the halls...some classmates would be very condescending to me because I wasn't a cheerleader, blonde or have a perfect figure so in their eyes it made me automatically stupid, even as an adult I feel looked down upon during meetings and gatherings, etc...  I've struggled with these demons in my head all my life and it's why so much of the time anymore I just like to stay home with my 2 dogs and lock the doors.

If we could only get out of our own heads and not worry about everyone else's view, we'd be so much better off.  The only one we need to be concerned with is God.  He loves us and He'll never leave us nor forsake us.  He tells us that in His word and He's not a man that He should lie.  

Deuteronomy 31:8  (NIV)

8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Numbers 23:19 (MSG)

God is not man, one given to lies,
    and not a son of man changing his mind.

Please know that you ARE good enough.  Don't let anyone pull you down into a pit of pain.  Your life is worth SO much more!!  Just know that I'm telling this to myself as well as telling you.  I need to hear this in a huge way myself.  

I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life!

Until we meet again my friends, have a wonderful rest of your week and know that I'm here should you need a listening ear.

Love,

Who Makes The Decisions.................................

Hi Gang!

Where IS the time going?  I know I sound like a broken record, but it's May 2018 already!!!!!!!!!  Woah baby!

Today's Thought Path takes us down a road of decision making in relationships.  Who makes them and why?

I guess I've been conditioned since the beginning that men make the decisions for the most part.  That we, as women, wait on the man to make the decisions.....

Will he choose me?

Will he call me?

Will he make the first move?

If he does, will he choose to keep me?

Once he's made that decision, what will we do in life?

I'd like to do this or that, but will he want to?  

Etc.........

In today's modern society, many women are very 'take charge'.  I find that I'm not always one of them.  I have a tendency to always WAIT.  I've always been a people pleaser and always want the other person to be happy even if it costs me my own happiness.

I know some of you reading this are saying "WHAT?  Are you CRAZY?".  But truly stop and think of your own life.  Regardless if you're male or female reading this.  What is it like in your current relationship and in past relationships?  Who makes/made all the decisions?

I know for myself, I feel as though I'm always the one waiting on the man to make the decisions... aka....where he wants to go, when, why, with who, etc.....  

Again, I believe it comes down to people pleasing and I just don't want to live that way anymore.  What exactly do I mean?  I'm not saying that I'll be the only one making any decisions from now on, but I definitely want to partake in the decision making.  I don't always want to feel as though I have to wait until he wants to do something.  I want to make suggestions.  If it's something I really want to do and he doesn't, then I'll still do it myself and he can do his own thing, but if he really cares about me he'll have no problem doing what I like to do as well, showing me he cares.

Another part of this scenario is support.  What I mean is that in a relationship, everything can't always be one sided, one always being supportive and not having that support returned.  

Example:  You're always running errands for him, going with him to see his family & friends, etc..., but when it comes time for things that are important to you, he'd rather stay home and doesn't want to be bothered or would rather hang out with his friends.  He needs to return the support and be there for you in all aspects as well.  It's mutual respect.  If there is none, the relationship is doomed to fail unless you're willing to continue to put up with that type of disrespect.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not man bashing in the least.  I'm merely saying that you also have the right to be happy in your relationship.  You don't need to be a people pleaser at the sake of your own happiness and sanity.  (This is true in the reverse as well...men on the waiting side.)

I hope this jumbled mess makes sense.  

Bottom line is, don't be afraid to speak up for your needs and desires.  Don't be anyone's doormat.  You deserve love and respect just like everyone else and nothing less.

I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe, and I pray that you have P.E.A.C.E. in your life.

Until we meet again my friends, have a terrific start to May!

Love,