Lack of Loyalty

 

A perplexing thought as come across my noggin this morning.  That thought is about loyalty or the lack thereof.  

Is it something you've ever contemplated in your life?  Whether it's loyalty to a mate, or to a business, or to a job?  What are your feelings?

I've always been told that money talks and bullshit walks.  While I understand the concept to a point, what ever happened to loyalty to a point that money doesn't matter or at least not so much?  

I've had loyalty to my job for the past 25 years, but in recent months, things have been a bit rocky and unsettled.  As a result, my own loyalty comes into question.  I make a decent living and have great benefits, yet I feel at times like I'm a rat on a sinking ship.  Part of me wants to bail before it completely sinks and part of me wants to see things through.  

My whole body, on the inside, is a quivering mess.  It's the fear of the unknown.  If only we knew one way or the other how the end of the story will turn out, it would definitely help make decisions so much easier.  Unfortunately, we don't have that knowledge ahead of time.  It's like blindly walking into a volcano.  Will it erupt and cause utter chaos or will it be still and peaceful?

Part of me would like to look for another job, put my home up for sale and move away.  Is that the smart thing to do?  I haven't a clue.  It's scary as hell though.  It's also scary staying where I am waiting to find out if the volcano I'm in will erupt or not.  

Sometimes I've felt that I should do something, but don't have the courage to do so until God intervenes and makes the decision for me.  

Maybe that's the answer.  Just wait on Him to push me one way or the other.  

I've looked at other jobs and nothing seems quite right.  It's either too low of wages, not the best benefits or something I'm unable to physically do (heavy lifting or constant standing).  

I know that when He's involved, the right things happen and fall into place with ease.  

I just get tired of head butting different situations; ones that make me feel less than or not good enough, that I can't handle whatever is happening or that will happen (being put in charge).  

I'm a Libra, which means I'm a peace keeper and a lover of all things in balance.  When my scales begin to tip heavily one way or another, my insides begin to panic a bit.  It's a feeling I'd rather not deal with.  It happens every so often, when life seems to need to get shaken up a bit.  

I just had a memory pop up on FaceBook.  The post says "I am not in control, but I am deeply loved by the One who is.".  For this I'm truly grateful.  But I also wish this life came with a detailed instruction manual.  

I know, some of you will say THE BIBLE!  While this is helpful to a point, it doesn't give us the exact answers of what we need to do and what will happen in any specific instance.  For example, 'I know you're going to be going through such and such during this particular time in your life, but here's what's going to happen............' (showing the specific names of people, places and things).  I wish there was such a book.  Everyone would want a copy.  It would be so expensive though, that no one could afford it.  I guess that's why we need to learn to trust in and rely on Him.  

I try, but I haven't got a lot of patience. I have FOTU.....FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN.

I know none of you ever feel like that.  It's only me, right? (insert wink)  

Sometimes it FEELS like I'm the only one going through any particular situation, but I know that's just false information.  It's one of the lies we seem to tell ourselves when everything feels like it's going to hell.

I shall now step off my soap box and continue to try to figure things out... loyalty and everything else that goes along with it. 

It's always easy to speak on someone ELSE'S loyalty, but when we take a step back and examine OUR OWN, it puts a completely different twist on it.    

Better clean off my glasses! LOL

I hope you all have an amazing weekend as we all collectively try to figure out this thing we call life.

I pray that you're healthy.... happy..... and safe......

And I pray that you have PEACE in your life.

Until we meet again my friends, be safe and I'll catch you on the flipside!

Pia

Stopping Irrational Thoughts..... Or Are They?

 

While the sun isn't currently shining in my neighborhood, I thought I'd at at least share a picture of the sun to help lighten any heavy moods that may be out there.

Do situations in life leave you feeling one sided at times?  Do you feel like you're the one that does the majority?  I try not to feel that way, but the proof is in the punch.  

At times, when I'm feeling low, I'll get thoughts/feelings of inadequacy.  I try to encourage myself that things are totally fine, yet there are days when  I feel less than, ugly, unattractive, & unlovable.  

I call it mental scribble.  It's trying to make sense of something that you can't possibly make sense of.  

Overthinking is a terrible waste of time and energy, yet I seem to do it more than I care to admit.  So much of it comes from such a low self-esteem.  Because if my low self-esteem, I don't know that I've ever felt truly loved by any partner (my children, of course, but I'm only speaking of intimate relationships with a partner).

I have an ex-husband who has a host of mental issues that he's been diagnosed with that doesn't want to move on with his life and leave me alone, even after 12 years of being apart.  

It also makes me feel like a bitch or a piece of shit if I bring up to a partner how I'm feeling because I'm so used to being gas lit into believing it's my own fault for how things are happening due to past trauma.

It feels that no matter how hard I try, I'm never good enough, pretty enough, the perfect shape, anything..................... and so much of that is my own mental scribble.

I'm working on trying to stop some of these irrational thoughts before they spiral into the mental scribble pictured above.  Most times, I haven't been able to, but just recently I've been starting to catch myself.  

I tend to be a passive/aggressive person.  If you're unfamiliar with that, its the act of avoiding direct confrontation with someone.  This can be done with a post on social media, not calling someone out, but hoping they'll see the post and get the hint.  It can also be done with saying nothing is wrong, yet being angry/aggressive as a reaction to everything else until the issue is resolved.

I struggle with directly asking questions of a partner as I've been so used to getting an angry response to even the simplest question, so to avoid any possibility of an angry response, I have a tendency to be passive/aggressive.  This is also something I'm working on.  

Have I conquered it?  NOT by a long shot, but I'm trying.  What am I doing to try to conquer it?  Rather than make a 'generic' post, I'll go journal to get my feelings out on paper just to release things off my mind.  It has a tendency to help me relax.  I also do 'tapping'.  If you're not familiar with 'tapping', may I suggest you check out 'Tapping Solutions' (Not sponsored in any way.  They have no idea who I am, but tapping has saved me many times.)

Working on our mental health is a daily thing.  We encounter so many different scenarios...

• Who we encounter
• How much sleep have we had
• Have we eaten
• Have we had quiet time to ourselves
• Have we had too much caffeine 

The list goes on and on and can definitely affect our day and how we handle it.

It is said that life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.  I would say that wraps it up in a nutshell.  It's just LEARNING how to handle things in a positive, meaningful, healthy way that can be the struggle at times.

Please take care of your mental health.  We only have one mind and we need to treat it with respect and care.  If you've never sought counseling, I encourage you to give it a try.  You'd be surprise how much the right counselor can help you see things from a new and positive perspective! 

Until we meet again my friends, I pray that you're healthy, happy, safe and I pray that you have peace in your life!

Much love, happiness and positive mental health to you!

Pia

Too Much?

 

Do you ever feel like there is just 

TOO MUCH going on in life?  

Spouse/Significant Other (Relationship(s))

Children

Pets

Work

Computer

Phone

Vehicles/Maintenance

House/Maintenance

Bills

Laundry

Groceries

Social Media trying to suggest how you should 

Look/Feel/Act 

ETC . . . 

Speaking personally for myself, there are days when I feel as though I just can't keep up, nor can I compete.  

The overload can be overbearing when we don't 

stop.... take a step back.... and 

BREATHE. 

Most days are 'ok' for me, but I have those days where I look around and feel like there's just way too much information that I can't possibly consume it all, but I want to.  There just aren't enough hours in a day and I don't believe we're meant to consume everything... but social media has a way of telling us differently.

I look around and think, 'I bought that book and haven't read it yet, but here's another one someone said would be super helpful so I better buy that one too!'.  Before I know it, I have a plethora of books that I haven't read, yet continue to purchase more.  It's not only books, but it's my crystal collection as well.  It's like, WHEN is it ENOUGH?  I need to figure out what gap I'm trying to fill with all of these THINGS.

Sellers encourage us that we need to buy their 'special product' or we'll miss out and won't have what everyone else is experiencing.  I admit, I have an issue with FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), and it's something I DEFINITELY need to work on as I'm easily suggestible.  You tell me I need it, well, I better get it then!  LOL

That's what all retailers hope for........FOMO, so they'll make sales.  But it's not just the retailers.  For me, I'll watch YouTube reviews of different things and think, 'OH!  I want that TOO!', even though I absolutely don't need 'it', whatever 'it' is.

It can all become so overwhelming.  I want to read all that I have, yet when I sit down to do just that, feel completely overwhelmed, put the book down and pick up my phone to play games while a show plays on my tv in the background.  

That's something else that's happened to me.  I find it difficult to put my phone down to watch a tv show or movie.  It's as though I feel I have to be multi-tasking at all times or I'm not making the most of my time.  

With all that being said, please remember to take a step back and BREATHE.  You DON'T need to keep up with anyone else and you don't NEED everything that everyone else has.  You can just LIVE YOUR LIFE and let others live theirs.  As long as we're healthy, happy and at peace, that's the most important.

Love and Light to you all!

Pia

Safety First!

 Happy Wednesday!

I hope you're all doing well even with the impending snow storm on the way!

As someone who's been in a verbally/emotionally abusive marriage, I'm here to tell you to PLEASE be sure to take care of yourself if you're in or have been in an abusive relationship regardless if it is/was verbal or physical.

If you have a no-contact order on the other person and, depending on your state, if it's only for a limited amount of time (Wisconsin is 4 years at a time), PLEASE do what you need to do to attempt to renew it.  If you don't at least TRY, you know it will be a no go for sure.

I bring this up because this year another 4 years have passed and I was contemplating whether or not to attempt to renew it myself, but after watching a Netflix series "My Lover, My Killer", I decided it was important to attempt to get it extended yet again.  

Mental health is so important to protect and when you're dealing with someone who has unstable mental health, it's vital to go to whatever lengths within the law to protect yourself.  

So many of us give too many chances to people in hopes that they've 'changed' or 'gotten better' or 'have moved on'.  Unfortunately, their mental instability doesn't work away, in particular, if they're not taking the meds prescribed by their mental health physician.  

I, myself, take anti-anxiety/depression medication.  I've been on it since going through my divorce back in 2012.  I was diagnosed with a form of PTSD due to the consistent verbal trauma I endured.  Believe me, I didn't want to go on meds and was afraid they'd make me a zombie.  My therapist tried for over 6 months to get me to consider taking something and told me it would 'bring me back to myself'.  I finally gave in and it was the best decision that I'd ever made.

Fast forward a 2-3 years later, I thought I was doing better (which I WAS due to taking the MEDS! LOL) and thought I didn't need them any longer and took myself off them.  In the process I went through HORRIBLE withdrawals wanting to literally claw the skin off my own face.  Needless to say, PLEASE don't be like me!  

Fast forward again to 2019 to some other family issues that cropped up and I wasn't handling life very well and went back to therapy and asked my therapist if I could go back on the meds that I stupidly went off of and of course she was super supportive of me doing that.

I'm here to tell you that they will be a daily staple for the rest of my life.  I'm thankful and feel so much better on the meds.  

Unfortunately, not everyone takes their meds as prescribed.  They think they're fine and don't need meds as they don't see themselves as having an issue.  It's a part of the irrational thinking due to hardwiring issues in the brain.  Some people don't have the capacity to have rational thoughts and that is SO unbelievably difficult for the person with rational thoughts to wrap the mind around and fully comprehend themselves.  We expect that everyone thinks rationally and would/should have a sane/rational response in any situation, but they don't always.

Back when I first started therapy, I'd sit crying in her office saying "Why can't he just be NICE to me?".  I'm no perfect duck, by any means, but I try to be kind and considerate of others just as I was of my now ex-husband.  Unfortunately, he would not be so kind and it wouldn't take much of anything to set him off.  

One night, after screaming incessantly at me, he left the house and I went upstairs to the nursery, melted down the wall into a ball by my baby's crib and cried.  It was one of the times I came extremely close to a mental breakdown.  Once again I was getting blamed for something I didn't do, but was getting punished.  20 years of living like that does a mental trip on a person.  (And that was only ONE of the MANY episodes the kids and I lived with.)

We've been divorced for just over 11 years, but sometimes things pop up and it feels like yesterday.  I've worked extremely hard to work on myself to heal from the trauma and still continue to work on myself. 

Don't ever let anyone tell you that you should be healed in a certain amount of time, regardless of what type of trauma you've been through.  Only YOU know what's best for you and you take as much time as you need to heal.  As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day and your healing isn't either.

All that to reiterate, PLEASE BE SAFE!! I don't want anyone to live a paranoid life, but I DO want you to always be aware of your surroundings and do what you need to in order to keep yourself safe.

My next plan of action... a video camera at my door.  ;)

I pray that you're healthy, happy, SAFE, and I pray that you have PEACE in your life!

Love and Light,

Pia

  

Overthinking . . .

Happy March ~ Gang!

It's been just a little bit since I've started blogging again and it seems to be a good place to get some thoughts out seeing as how I'm 'sure' I'm the 'only' one who ever thinks/feels the way I do.  😉

Does your mind ever mess things up in your life?  

What am I talking about?  I'm asking if when things are going seemingly well in your life, do you overthink about a situation and end up making a sunny day a shit storm?  

My mind will go through a million different scenarios trying to figure out my own ending to the situation rather than just letting things be knowing that everything is truly ok.  No, maybe it's not what I would have potentially done, but that doesn't make it wrong or bad.

It's taken me quite some time to learn to take a step back and re-assess each situation.  I used to ALWAYS jump to conclusions of my own without really slowing down and thinking things through.  When I would jump to conclusions, I'd end up causing an unnecessary riff.  

I'm slowly learning to live and let live and to NOT create stress/drama where there doesn't need to be.  It would happen because the other person didn't do what I THOUGHT they should have done and that maybe what they'd done was for an ulterior motive.            (talking behind my back or cheating on me)

I've almost always been insecure about myself... how I look, what I say, how I feel... as in, no confidence.  My mind has always struggled with feeling worthy enough of someone else's attention and love.  

"How could HE ever love me?  I'm overweight, I'm not a Barbie, I'm not super intelligent, I don't feel like I fit in.  So does he WANT something from me (money, food, etc...) because why ELSE would he want to be with ME?"

This is the thought that has plagued my mind for years.  When I was a teenager, one blustery cold morning while helping milk the cows, I mentioned I was cold.  My dad said "I didn't think elephants got cold".   👀  My brother used to tell me I'd always be tied to my momma's apron strings and would scream at me any time I'd try to help him do chores on the farm (he didn't need help apparently).  My pastor would make derogatory remarks concerning my weight, my ex-husband would tell me I was so fat, no one else would ever want me, basically lucky to have him.  😣  Kids in school made fun of me for my weight.  I WISH I weighed what I did back then.  Compared to now, I wasn't fat in the LEAST.  

Some of you can be reading this and thinking to yourself "just get over it!".  I wish I could.  Every time I think I'm over it or have forgotten about it, something happens for it all to rear it's ugly head once again.  

It ends up manifesting itself in so many facets of my life.  Again, I'm working on not letting it control me by stopping, taking a step back and re-assessing the situation.  

While, yes, I'm overweight, it has absolutely nothing to do with who I am.  My weight doesn't define me, except in other peoples' minds.  They judge anyone who isn't thin even if they're overweight themselves.  It's all just so mind boggling.  Our society has created a bunch of 'fat haters'.  

I've tried more weight loss gimmicks than I care to go into.  I did it to try to fit into everyone else's mold of who THEY thought I should be/look like.  As a result, I just continued to gain weight.  I'd love for it to be gone, but I've become so sick and tired of fighting it that I'm learning to just accept myself the way I am. 

Do I look at others with beautiful bodies and wish I looked like them?  Of course I do.  But I'm tired.  I've had 3 different types of cancer in my life.  I've had a rare issue with my appendix, I've had 4 surgeries so far and on meds to help to try to keep the cancer from resurfacing, plus 2 hernias.  By the time I get done at my 8-5 office job, I'm exhausted and ready to put my feet up and fall asleep.  

Needless to say, I'm done overthinking my whole weight situation.  It's just life situations I have a tendency to overthink about.  

So if you're like me, an overthinker, try to get grounded and reassess the situation.  If you can, stop and look around you.  See where you are.  Is the sun shining or is it raining?  Can you smell coffee brewing or bread baking?  Do you hear birds chirping or a semi passing by?  Are your hands dry and need some lotion?  

Being aware of your surroundings brings you back to the present moment to help ground you so that you can then reassess what you were just overthinking about.  Ask yourself if the situation is truly as bad as you were just thinking?  Will this matter tomorrow or next week, next month or next year?  Is it worth worrying about or fighting over?  Will either of those things fix the situation or somehow make it any better?  

See if these things help you the next time you start overthinking.  It's not instant and it DOES take time to catch yourself in that thought pattern, but each time it will get just a bit easier and you'll hopefully help yourself from making the mistake of starting an unnecessary argument that benefits no one.

I pray that you're happy, safe and that you have PEACE in your life.

Until next time gang!

Pia

It's Been More Than A Hot Minute

 Hello Gang!

 Yes, it's definitely been MORE than a hot minute since I've been here.  So many things have changed as they do for all of us.

Since my last posting, I've since quit going to church.  I had been debating at the time as to what to do and as of December 8, 2019 I walked out the door and haven't been back since. 

For MONTHS I had beaten myself up for not going.  I felt like people leaving the church was somehow MY fault.  It took time and quite a bit of therapy to finally realize I DON'T have THAT kind of power! LOL  

You'll no doubt think me crazy (which I know I am a bit LOL), but when the church was being built, I heard the Lord say to me "Be Careful" before the walls of the sanctuary were even erected.  It was a warning of sorts that things could change and not in a good way should the members or clergy not do what's right.  

I shared these words with some fellow congregants.  While a couple of them listened, for the rest it seemed to fall on deaf ears.  I mean, who am I?  I never felt treated as though I was a TRUE follower of Jesus or that my words meant anything.  I felt looked upon as someone who wasn't truly knowledgeable about the Bible or spiritual enough.  Despite being treated as such, I was always seemingly good enough to come to church twice a week to practice worship (singing) and preform twice each week.  I was good enough for that.  (Feeling a bit used after a while - slow learner or just too forgiving..........  😩)  

This wasn't the main reason I left.  The main reason is comprised of a multitude of other reasons and on that cold December 8th, 2019 morning, the last item was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I'd truly had enough and was DONE.

Another reason is that I don't go to church to hear about politics.  While the Pastor did not preach one way or the other from the pulpit, my fellow congregants made it well known that they're strongly Republican.  This is their God given right and I don't look down on them for that.  My issue is when they constantly trash the opposition.  What happened to the scripture Luke 6:31 "Do unto others as you'd have done unto you" or John 15:12 " My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."?  Are they TRULY loving others?  It appears NOT.  I don't consider myself one certain political party as I vote for whomever I feel will do the best job regardless of their political affiliation, but in my former church circle and in many across the country, being Republican is the ONLY party.  

Also, OUR church was TRULY the ONLY RIGHT church to be in.  If someone went to another church, others looked down their noses at them or if they chose to not go to church at all.  Regardless, all were basically deemed 'backslidden'.  

Let's be real.  No one knows anyone else's heart and or what their relationship is with the Lord, but the person themselves and who are we to pass judgement on them if they decide to leave?  

All I know is that the number of members continued to dwindle over the years.  It became quite depressing.  I've been blamed for years for things I had nothing to do with (my ex husband blamed me for everything), so in my mind, those emptying pews must have been due to something I had done, right?  WRONG!

I still love the Lord immensely even though I don't go to church.  I tried a Baptist church, it was nice, but I was just not in a right head space having just left my original church.  I tried church online.... it was ok for a bit, but still not what I truly wanted or needed.  So instead, I've taken a very long sabbatical from church.  The guilt and condemnation from not going has finally left me (it took a couple of years though).  And I enjoy my Sundays with family and friends.

I think back to all the Sundays I pushed family and friends aside because I felt I HAD to go to church, makes me a bit sad.  Without family and friends, what do we really have?  I'd push them to the back burner while doing what I THOUGHT at the time was the RIGHT decision.  CHURCH HAD to come first, right?  NO!

It partially pains me to say that as I'd cultivated what I thought to be special friendships and 'family' at the church.  That was all fine, well and good as long as I only seemed to have 'church friends' or only do 'church things' or go to 'church events/seminars'.  EVERYTHING had to revolve around church.  It was suffocating after a time.  

There are so many reasons why I left, but I don't feel the need to publish them here.  Will I EVER go back to a church?  If I had to give you an answer today, it would be 'no'.  Possibly someday?  Maybe.............  

I just don't have time for the hypocrisy within the walls.  I am a good person with a lot to offer and I'm tired of being used and looked down upon.  

There are other areas of my life that I've set up some healthy boundaries with as well.  It's important that we each do what we feel is best for ourselves and NOT get painted into a corner by others that are misinformed.  

Keep an open mind and an open heart.  Don't always take things for face value.  Do your research.  If someone tells you THEIR WAY is the ONLY WAY......... you may want to re-evaluate the situation.  

Look out for yourselves, love yourselves and take care of each other.  Life is definitely too short.

I pray that you're healthy, that you're happy, that you're safe.....

And I pray you have PEACE in your life!  

Catch you on the flip side!

Pia