We're already half-way through this beautiful week! The weather has been great, but sounds as though this weekend is going to get humid, so please be careful out there!
Today's thought path is 'Eating in Secret'. Is this something you've ever done?
I'm guessing some are wondering where my mind is at today?!?! LOL
All my life I've been a food lover. There aren't too many things I don't like, but there are a some, like celery, liver, parsnips, turnips, just to name a few.
In my journey of life, I've always been judged by what I eat. "You SHOULDN'T eat THAT", or "Don't you think you've ALREADY had enough" or "You can't leave the table until your plate is clean!", etc... MIXED SIGNALS!!
In my younger years at home living with my parents, I would buy Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls or the Pudding Pies with my allowance, hide them under my bed and eat them in secret at night before bed. I could easily polish off a whole box of the rolls in one night, but I'd try to stretch them out to 2 or 3 nights.
When mom would be down cleaning the barn during the day, I'd make a pan of brownies, eat half the pan, not want anyone to know what I'd done, throw out the other half and make a whole new pan! OR I'd make a smaller batch of chocolate chip cookie dough and eat it raw (YES, with the raw eggs in it and I'm STILL alive to talk about it today! LOL) I'd have everything cleaned up before she got back up to the house so she wouldn't know what I'd done.
When my brother (got rest his soul, he's been gone for 21 years) would pick on me and say hateful, hurtful things, in my mind I'd say "I'LL SHOW YOU!" and fill up a bowl heaping with ice cream topping it with chocolate syrup or whatever I could find in the frig plus whatever dessert was around like cake, bars, cookies, pie, etc..., take it to my bedroom and eat it all until I was miserable. At that point I was more focused on the pain I'd inflicted on myself rather than the pain HE had inflicted on me. It was as if I somehow felt that he was right and I had to punish myself as a result. Why do we always want to punish ourselves?
In my adult years I just sometimes get strange, judgemental looks. I'm sure part of it is my over heightened sense of awareness of people's reactions around me. I'm always reading facial expressions and body language regardless of the situation I'm in. Big eyes or eye rolls or secret chuckles are very popular. 😜
Part of me has gotten used to it and try to ignore it. The other part of me cringes inside and wants to just escape to a quiet place alone where I can eat in peace without judgement. This all leads to today's title ..........Eating in Secret.
When I eat alone or in secret, there's no one there to judge me or to see exactly what I'm eating. After years of being called names or being put down, you begin to want to distance yourself from eating around others.
I love and miss my father dearly (he passed away 24 years ago), but I can still remember something he said to me one cold morning down in the barn while we were milking cows and I had mentioned being cold. ( It was one of those below zero mornings in an old barn where we stuffed any open hole with straw to block the cold winds ) "I didn't think elephants GOT cold?" he said. Mind you, I was in junior high at the time and weighed about 170 lbs. No, I was no twiggy, but one heck of a lot smaller than I am today. It rattled me to my core and I've had that conversation sitting in the back of my mind ever since that day.
I'm going to be as 'G' rated here as possible with the next bit of info, but please forgive me as I'm not writing this to offend anyone.
My ex used to refer to me as a fat a**, a fat f****** sow or pig, told me I was nothing, that I was worthless without him, etc..... Of course that was all extremely painful as well, yet I would often get blamed if the leftovers in the frig weren't eaten. Yes, you read that correctly, if they WEREN'T eaten. Even though there were 4 of us in the home, apparently it was MY SOLE JOB to eat ALL of the leftovers so they didn't go to waste. (We had chickens at the time, so leftovers that were too old for us never went to waste.) AGAIN, MIXED SIGNALS!
Part of my blog point today is to be careful what you say to others. Be kind. You have no idea the negative effects that harmful words have on people that can last a lifetime.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.
A
bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on
a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face
of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no
account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it!
Also, remember that even if you choose to eat in secret, it doesn't discount the fact of the fat & calories in what you've just eaten. 😱 For me, it's more of not being judged. I've been trying to eat more clean. Am I perfect? Not a chance, but I also don't want to be persecuted when I'm having something sweet. I can beat myself up quite fine by myself without someone doing it for me.
EVERYONE, no matter WHO it is, is facing SOME kind of battle. It may appear, on the outside, that they've got everything 'TOGETHER', all is perfect and there are no issues to be found. Either they're doing a fantastic acting job or we're not paying close enough attention, because we ALL have issues.
Just a last note...... No, I don't always eat in secret. I'm not afraid to eat around others, but I do have my moments of enjoying eating alone, in my home, with the doors locked. LOL
When something is bothering you, rather than eating it away, or drinking it away, or using drugs to numb the pain, the best thing to do is to talk to someone about it. If it's something deep that you don't feel you can share, try journaling. It's helped me tremendously!
Be kind, speak kind words to others and don't forget to be kind to yourself too!!
Love,
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