It's so hard to believe it's the 1st of June already. The year is just FLYING by!
Something that's working on me today is my confidence, or moreover, the lack thereof.
I've never been an overly confident person in my life. That's mostly because of my size. I'm no twiggy by any stretch and I've ALWAYS been reminded, as if I can't see it for myself in the mirror daily! 😉 But for some reason, I guess to make themselves feel better about themselves, many people in my life have put me down because of my weight.
Do you realize that the more you're told something over and over again, you begin to BELIEVE IT? While it's true that I am too overweight, it's not WHO I am as a person, but people have convinced me over the years that fat = ugly, that fat = worthless, that fat = stupidity, etc, etc, etc...
Over my 48 (closer to 49) years on this planet, I've been on a plethora of diets. It's ranged from starvation, to pills, to low fat, to no carbs, the list goes on and on. Different times I've lost as much as 65 lbs. only to gain it back. I hang on for just so long and then I'm back to my old habits again.
It doesn't always take much for me to go back to those old habits. The sad thing is, I'm not hurting anyone else but myself when I do go back.
You might be saying........."If you lost 65 lbs, why on EARTH would you let yourself gain it back plus more?". I think that's a great question. Unfortunately I don't have a good answer for it.
When I've been put down in one way or another, I've turned to food for comfort. Food has never lied to me (thankfully it doesn't talk at all, except for beans! LOL), never cheated on me, never made me feel less than, never made me feel insecure (when I say these things, I mean that's how I felt during the time I was eating the food). I've eaten so much to stuff myself so that I focus on the miserable stuffed feeling rather than the reason I began eating in the first place.
I'm going through some deep insecurities in my life right now and trying desperately NOT to eat my feelings away, but that's easier said than done.
We all go through an abundance of issues in our lives and we all handle them in different ways. Some people over-exercise, some do drugs, some drink alcohol, some go into a deep depression, and like me, some eat to handle life.
Is it something I'm proud of? Absolutely not, but it's been my drug of choice. I want to be able to cope in healthier ways and I'm trying to teach myself to do that. For me, it's a slow process.
Wouldn't it be nice to have someone just swoop in and take away all the insecurities we feel so that we wouldn't ever have to feel that way again? Life just doesn't work that way.
I'm trying to rely more on God. Even though I love Him deeply, it's still a struggle because He's not here with me in the flesh. I know His Spirit is with me, but having Him here as a tangible human being in my midst to talk to would be so much better.
I've had friends and lost them for standing up for my convictions. That's definitely a lonely place of insecurities, but I would do the same all over again.
Someone I know has a boyfriend who lives in an apartment. Someone new happens to be moving in and that someone is a single woman about the same age as her boyfriend. She's terribly insecure about the whole situation because she and her boyfriend don't live together nor do they live in the same town. I'm not sure what to tell her that would be a good way to handle her insecurities as I would feel the same way. She needs to trust him and if he breaks that trust, she'll have no choice, but to move on.
In the scope of life, loneliness is terribly hard. No one knows what that feels like until you've walked a mile in those moccasins. Sometimes we put up with things we wouldn't normally for fear of being lonely again and I know that's where she's at. I wish I could wrap my arms around her, hug her tight and make every insecurity go away, but I can't.
Our minds are very powerful and try to make us see and think things that aren't really there. This girl is already visualizing her boyfriend with the new apartment tenant. In all fairness, she does have good reason because he hasn't always been the most truthful with her, but she's been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm just not sure how much longer she can hold on. I can only wait in the wings and be here for her regardless of what may happen.
It's painful watching someone go through tough times in their life and knowing there's nothing you can do to fix it or make it go away. I guess that's what molds and shapes us into stronger people.
If you have any suggestions for advice that I can give, please let me know. We just have to leave it in God's hands and let Him take care of the situation.
Have a great weekend!!
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